Max Bemis hits back at Chad Gilbert after song about Bemis’ wife

Courtesy of Alt. Press:

Late last week, New Found Glory guitarist Chad Gilbert posted three solo songs on his website, one of which, “Thinkin’ Bout Her,” which appears to be about Gilbert’s ex-wife, Sherri Dupree of Eisley. Gilbert and Dupree were separated in 2007, Max Bemis of Say Anything and Dupree were married last April.

In “Thinkin’ Bout Her,” Gilbert sings:

“I’d be driving and I’d play my favorite song
she would mock me when I’d try and sing along
Not in a fun sort of flirty sort of way
More a disgusted sort of bitchy sort of way
She said there’s not even a melody to this song
I said its fun at the show when you scream along
She said it’s not music
She said it makes her sick
I said oh no this is where I came from

I keep thinkin bout her
I keep thinkin bout her I keep thinkin bout
How she hated everything about me
and how she ruined everything in my life.”

Bemis responded to the song on Twitter, saying: “today i heard the worst new music i’ve heard since vanilla ice attempted to make rock music. don’t quit your day job, dude.”

Now Bemis has gone onto apologize for his snap tweeting with an extended letter that touches upon his reported rivalry with Gilbert, Bemis’ role as a performer and the general state of perceived roles between artists and fans. Among the highlights in the letter, he says:

“Today I posted a (clearly ineffectively) ambiguous jab at Chad Gilbert’s solo offerings. (Chad posted a few new songs on a website today). Stupid? Shallow? Transparent? Yup. That was me pulling a douche card. I apologize for that, not to ‘chadball’ necessarily, but to you guys. I got caught doing the very thing I hate. Should I have done it? I have no idea but I was drawn to do so, as humans are when they have no other option but to be stupid.”

Bemis goes on to defend his wife: “My main reasoning for doing this seemingly douchey thing was a feeling of unavoidable anger and outrage at both the delivery and subject matter of what Chad chose to write about. It was a mean, angry song about my wife. As a lot of people (for some inane and crappy reason) know, my wife was once in a relationship with Chad. Both me and my wife and Chad and his girlfriend are in happy relationships and have moved past all that (at least I thought.) As for Sherri, I couldn’t love her more. She is, in my eyes at least, the best person I know; the love of my life and the coolest, most honest and lovable and truly loyal person I’ve ever had the opportunity to know.”

Gilbert has yet to respond to Bemis’ latest move. For your reading pleasure, we’ve included more of Bemis’ letter:

“To let you guys in on some stuff that’s semi personal, I’ve been questioning why I play music a lot lately. I love the music itself and writing it and playing shows (where at least most people there are guaranteed to want to have something to do with actual music because they paid for it.). I’m not by any means a virtuoso at my instrument and at this point I read comic books more than I listen to music. Yet it’s still, professionally, and artistically, my passion in life. Originally, I wanted to direct movies. What attracted me to this profession? The fact that you can distill truth in a song and hit someone over the head with it. I was in love. The ethical and personal truths that I needed to be put out there were most quickly and easily accessible in the turn of a musical note or a well worded phrase. I loved that. It destroyed me and broke my heart that I wasn’t out there, touring speaking to people RIGHT THEN AND THERE. I needed it, kind of like some unattainable crush or drug or something. When I went to go see shows, I was so jealous of the bands that they lived a touring lifestyle. I wanted it more than anything.

Since then, and thanks to many people who are reading this right now, I have had the honor and the privilege of living that dream. The things I have tried to champion (honesty, self deprecation, questioning authority, the belief in a greater truth and love) have been seemingly encouraged in at least enough people that I feel I’ve accomplished something TRUE even on the smallest level. I adore fans of my band and those who have taken their time to say something kind to, or about me. Say Anything has put out three reasonably well received and (at least semi) successful records and above all, the way I’ve chosen to not down-talk, and interact with fans of our band has garnered me some kind of weird respect, (whether I deserve it or not) the kind that I wanted when I set out to do this professionally. THANK YOU to those who have given me that.

However, lately, I’ve been simmering in a bit of doubt. I don’t know if I “deserve” this anymore. I don’t know if I’m thick skinned enough to be “that real singer/songwriter guy”, and, frankly I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. I’ll get to that later. I feel like an actual human now for the first time in years and that’s how I want to live. I relish living far away from anything involving other bands or the entertainment industry (It’s called…Texas). It’s driven me to cherish the things that really matter in my life. My family, a good book, my wife. This isn’t coming from a “I want to be Radiohead and screw everyone” place. I love playing shows, I love my record label, and I love where we’re at. It’s just been a humbling, valuable experience, which I think you guys would appreciate knowing I’m feeling. However, something once and a while comes from nay-nay land and destroys the peaceful silence.

Case in point. Today I posted a (clearly ineffectively) ambiguous jab at Chad Gilbert’s solo offerings. (Chad posted a few new songs on a website today). Stupid? Shallow? Transparent? Yup. That was me pulling a douche card. I apologize for that, not to ‘chadball’ necessarily, but to you guys. I got caught doing the very thing I hate. Should I have done it? I have no idea but I was drawn to do so, as humans are when they have no other option but to be stupid. Like I said earlier I am kind of in the dark about what is the right thing anymore when it comes to matter of public discourse or expressing your opinions. Since twitter got invented, we’ve all been screwed…let’s be honest.

My main reasoning for doing this seemingly douchey thing was a feeling of unavoidable anger and outrage at both the delivery and subject matter of what Chad chose to write about. It was a mean, angry song about my wife. As a lot of people (for some inane and crappy reason) know, my wife was once in a relationship with Chad. Both me and my wife and Chad and his girlfriend are in happy relationships and have moved past all that (at least I thought.) As for Sherri, I couldn’t love her more. She is, in my eyes at least, the best person I know; the love of my life and the coolest, most honest and lovable and truly loyal person I’ve ever had the opportunity to know.

To any of you who feel I have earned some trust with you; for what it’s worth, in my opinion, Sherri is incapable of being “bitchy” and a “bitch” in any way. She gives as much as she gets and isn’t afraid to stand up to MEN but hates to see anyone hurt or sad. I have had mean, spiteful ex girlfriends who I’ve written entire records about hating and still not called a “bitch” let alone Sherri, the kind, witty, independent angel I have the privilege of waking up to every morning. I say this without pretension or half-truth, though, like I said, it’s just my opinion. Admittedly, it’s different strokes for different folks, but I could write an entire other essay on our amazing relationship and how much hope and love Sherri has brought into my life, but, let’s be honest, you can just buy the last Say Anything record or something if you’re interested. Imagine how one might feel if the person who literally helped save their life was publically degraded by their ex.

It’s not even the fact that the music itself, of which I heard only one song, was not something I would ever choose to listen to (even if Chad were writing about, say, the perks of being a Floridian, loving his friends or his love for Ben Sherman), but the lyrics (which I consider to be the core and heart of any song) were a un-abashed, base level hater-fest about MY WIFE. If I were a total shmuck I’d say he had no right to write about how much he thinks she was mean to him or whatever but the thing is that’s not true and, hey, this is emo music we’re talking about. He had every LEGAL right, especially emo-ly to express how he felt in that song . He had every right to put it out and call it music. I may think it was a self-indulgent perversion of the truth; I’m sure Chad feels that way about anything I say or do. I don’t want to change that about him, and I hope to God he doesn’t think he can change that about me. There has been a lot of speculation amongst fans about what went down between Chad and Sherri and I can only say that it’s a matter of opinion, and you can be DAMN sure I have my own about it.

That being said, I’m only a dude. No more, and certainly no less. Any other dude currently in a relationship (especially a marriage) can tell you if you really have fallen in love with someone, somebody insulting your lover can set you off. If captain straightedge were there, in my living room, at the time, I would have probably freaked out, hocked a loogey in his general direction or, if I was lucky, get a solid bite or scratch in before he bent me over and spanked me. After all, Chad is much bigger than me and though I’m scrappy, he would probably turn my nuts into a frappe, not to mention he has scary straight edge gangster friends who could and would hurt me, but such if the nature of man; we forget these things in moments of passion. Where would the Karate Kid be if he thought things through like “wow this dude can hurt me so bad that I won’t have kids”. Waxing off, that’s where he’d be.

However, it wasn’t even Chad’s music that’s motivated me to write this letter or disturbed me on a deep level (I literally don’t wish bad on anyone, despite my aversion to him and his music) . Most people didn’t even get what I was referencing in my pissed off tweet and chose to move on to my next tweet about our new single. It was the THREE MEAN PEOPLE OUT OF THREE HUNDRED NICE PEOPLE that stillobviously followed me on twitter ( for some sick dahmer-esque reason) that got pissed, and bitched about ME getting pissed that SOME DUDE WROTE A SONG ABOUT MY WIFE BEING A BITCH.

Who am I, Max of Nazareth, who doesn’t get bothered by people bashing his wife? This is the kind of thing (amongst other crappy things I get tweeted at me once and while) that’s affected me and caused me to not even want to check my twitter or threads about my band online when I used to really enjoy interacting with fans. Like I said, I may not have what it takes anymore because I GET HURT. I GET FREAKING BUTT-HURT. I’ve formed a no-responding-to-haters policy but it’s getting hard for me to stick with it in thoroughly positive interview after interview, only talking about the good, never what makes me mad or upset, when stuff like THIS happens. I HAD TO SAY THIS.

Before the song, some kind of mutually convenient “ignore each-other” truce had been reached but this obviously was a blatant statement and compelled a reaction from me. The next best thing I could do without posting an extremely detailed explanation as to why (at least I think) Chad’s song is full of it and I hated him for lying about my wife, was to write a crappily veiled insult towards him on my twitter. This is the world I have been bred to live in through my role; the role I’ve been assigned by society. This is the reaction we have learned to deem is appropriate. People break up bands on their twitter and then talk crap to each other (on twitter) and we all watch and click and read, enraptured in fascination and I do nothing to try to subvert this sick twisted cycle except write a pussed out comment on my twitter. I’m here to let you know I’m doing my best to be DONE WITH THIS. Hence this blatant, direct explanation of my actions. This is not longer passive aggressive, it’s just aggressive. I’m pissed about how this works. You guys are too smart for this and frankly I’m to.o good for this and I can’t freaking fake it/take it anymore.

Thus I chose to write this, not just to directly address this stupid situation but to get real with you about several things I’ve been afraid to up until now, for better or worse. I ask you to listen to this stuff but I’m only just one guy with his perception of the truth and I could, literally, be completely wrong.

a) Please question your idols. Especially me. I’m a neurotic, self-involved, insecure Jew with a dark past full of countless idiotic, SELFISH mistakes. My entire critically lauded first record was based on the fact that I was (at the time) an alienated, self-medicating self-hater. I have experience and some amount of wisdom now but some of you probably have as much or more of both than me. That’s why I look up to my fans. They are courageous and amazing and often they inspire ME. Look up to me for getting through it, admire me for what I have created but QUESTION me. You saw what I did this morning. I’m flawed and emotional. If you question me and if the answer you come up with is I’m a good guy, MAYBE you can trust your instincts. However, one of those things that makes me flawed is I’M A FREAKING PERSON WITH FEELINGS. Your favorite band TAKES IT TO HEART when you say mean things to them. Don’t let any of their prideful b.s tell you otherwise. That’s why I don’t even read the bad stuff anymore. I can only hope to exist and that it resonates with people. I wish I could sit you all down and look you in the eye but all I can do is invite you to a Say Anything show and hope I convey this stuff there.

b) The people you think are tortured, Christ-like artists or immaculate, spotless paragons of virtue 8/10 times are cheating, scheming liars. Many of the people who have gotten ahead in this industry have done it through backstabbing, exploiting the bad things they’ve done personally because everyone does bad things and can relate to it, as some kind of “dark mysterious dude” or “punk” or “hot guy” image, taking and giving nothing back. They hate their band mates, will openly talk crap about them or other people in bands, and they hate any of their fans who question them or have stopped buying their records, and they hate anyone who has achieved what they set out to do (but failed.) Then they project some thankful image that I can tell you personally is generally a fallacy. I can claim that I’m different but, frankly, I only expect a few of you to believe me and that’s FINE. A lot of people are simply jealous, and/or egotistical. The only reason I don’t think I am is because I’ve been in therapy for the past ten years and would like to think I’ve learned SOMETHING minute. Attention or seeing other people getting attention paid to them changes you. Another case in point: think about how many people make fun of the band Brokencyde now that they’re famous but when they were just another terrible band on myspace, they were dismissed. It’s like we’re redeeming their efforts to get attention paid to them by only caring about them now. Let it go. Write a SONG or a book. Make a memory. It’s B.S.

c) No situation is cut and dry and both sides of any conflict have a right to how they feel. Between band members, countries, and religions, but to counter this, there is such a thing as truth and virtue. At least I believe there are. They are simply buried under a heap of crap that consists of, again, LYING, fixating on money, sex and power, or feeling “cool” or smarter than your socially prescribed “enemy”. This is all bull and will get people nowhere (i.e my comment, as much as I can only apologize for how it was worded, not its intent). All that matters is that you can look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and whether, after the inner conflict that ensues, you can say “I have done the right thing.” Can you claim that? CAN YOU? All I can answer is “Most of the time”

d) To whose who inspired this tweet; ONLINE MUSIC FANS. It is INSPIRING how many kids care enough about each other and music to go online and turn each-other on to new music, encourage the bands they love, make connections, and fight the man. However, YOU have just as much power at this point as the bands you listen to. People complain about “how it is” now but thank GOD that’s how it works. We are on the same level as you. We are literally paid minstrels. I bring this up based on what happened earlier because how could I be expected to act any different than one of you would? That doesn’t mean I think I should have taken it further and directly insulted Chad. However, I believe in this CASE, doing less would have been irresponsible and fake of me. I’m only a fan, a “kid” like you and the only good thing to come of the twitter-age of online communication is that KIDS OPINIONS MATTER. I rarely ever say something negative but when someone insults my wife from a publicly EXTREMELY PUBLIC standpoint, what else am I to do but call ‘BULL.’ Sometimes the truth, or an opinion of the truth, is necessary. HOWEVER:

e) Don’t let “x” band OR online fan who does everything they can to make themselves seem ABOVE you try to make you feel your love of Chad’s music, my music, The Maine or Owl City makes them better than you. As you can see WE ARE ONLY HUMAN. Like I said, in person, a lot of us music makers are cheating, fraudulent FOOLS. If it’s positive, SAY IT. If it’s negative, you BETTER MEAN IT AND IT BETTER NOT BE JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF. If you think the screamy breet breet guy in Brokencyde is hot, expressing that will only breed positivity, so DO IT.

f) For the rest of you; the ones who couldn’t understand why a guy would get mad at his wife’s ex for verbally bashing her in public. this is important. True freedom (in my opinion) comes from making A CHOICE, A SUBMISSION, to be truthful and caring, not making the CHOICE to HURT OTHERS BECAUSE YOU CAN. You have MORE than the right to get on AP.net and make fun of All Time Low, or even my dubiously, slightly more “credible” punk pop band. Anyone can say anything on the internet. But just cuz we can does it mean we should? Are you posting what you’re posting because you just want to hurt someone because you feel small or prove someone wrong because you hate yourself ?? Or because you actually think someone did something mean or bad enough that you need to publically talk down to them? Did Pete Wentz do anything to you personally by, like having a kid, or being friends with Rihanna? Again, I re-iterate, you HAVE THE RIGHT. Nobody can take it from you but IT’S A RESPONSIBILTY. Knowing you have the right and not saying something out of humility, restraint, and caring for the individual you might be bashing, THAT IS REAL POWER. Maybe you should be spending your time questioning a government that wages oil wars and spends your tax money on killing machines rather than some guy with frosted-tip-swoop hair singing about love-long-lost. This is coming from a guy who believes so much in “the kids” that he named a record “in defense of the genre’’ solely for the reason that he wanted you guys to know he was behind you.

If we can work together to fix this, maybe I’ll feel compelled to get involved again, write back to people online, etc. If not I’ll keep making music but I can’t promise I have what it takes to look this monster in the face and continue to snuggle with it anymore. That is why I’ve kept it quiet and generally hang out with my perfect wife, my dog, and a good comic book.

I love you

Max”

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2 Responses to “Max Bemis hits back at Chad Gilbert after song about Bemis’ wife”

  1. Very interesting topic will bookmark your site to check if you write more about in the future.

  2. Ben says:

    i really enjoyed reading this, Thanks!