We have been saying it for weeks, but Under The Gun Review is evolving. After three years, we are finally in a position that allows us to expand our coverage, offering you not only more coverage, but more original content as well.

Our latest feature, Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

“I am beautiful no matter what they say” -Xtina

There was a time when I was very popular y’all. I had a lot of money and power. I would eat edible arrangements for lunch because it pleased me. This was happening at the time I was sharing a dressing room with The Boys That Like The Girls. There were curtains separating me “n the boyz”. As Martin came into the room doing some sort of ju-jitsu in his underwear, he tore down the walls that had separated all cultural and social boundaries. Being the only other person in the room, I appreciated the gesture, and compared it to David Hasslehoff tearing down the Berlin Wall. We were just budding pop stars trying to get our pop on.

Later on, after getting my BBQ right, I said a pathetic “wut up” to Iyaz, who’s iPad was stuck replaying his own hit single though his Dr. Dre beat headphones. I went out into the public crowd to experience an authentic concert-going experience. I was wearing a pretty cool shirt so all the girls were stopping me while I was trying to get my Adam Lambert on. I had to be escorted out by concert security.

After the show, we headed to the hotel where we were met with open arms by a group of women who were “40 going on 18”. Just a bunch of Bah Mitzvah Mommies trying to get their authentic rock star party on. I started pouring grey goose down my throat like I was trying to put out a fire with it. Quickly, I passed out on the floor, presumably skipping any kind of “Courgy” (cougar…orgy…).

Im sure with time “The Boys” will become “The Men Who Like The Women”, but me, I remain cocooned ready to butterfly this world. I’m breaking free y’all.

Mr. Jayce

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James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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