Allow me to begin by saying no, I did not enter Transformers: Dark Of The Moon expecting to see an Oscar worthy film. While the first film had actualized the imagination of so many fanboys, the sequel was, to see the very least, a colossal disaster in nearly every way except the way that (unfortunately) matters most, the box office. Say what you, but Michael Bay is the living embodiment of the phrase “you gotta spend money to make money” and this series is his Mona Lisa. It does not matter that so much of the origin story was destroyed by Hollywood execs, or that the plot to the sequel had more holes than swiss cheese, or that mannequins from Old Navy commercials can act better than the lead cast, people love seeing CGI robots blow shit up and the only way to do that is by supporting Michael Bay and his over-budgeted imagination.

So what did I expect to see? Something worthy of being considered a movie. What I got was an ode extravagance, dipped in shamelessness.

In reality, no movie-goer, even snobs such as myself, really ask that much from studios. We simply want imaginative tales that help us momentarily escape all the stress and drama of the real world. That said, not all of us agree on what that display of escapism should be. Some want action, others romance, and still others horror or comedy. It is this appreciation for various genres divides us into niches, but also that makes a craft like filmmaking, which allows for multiple moods and emotions to be expressed at once, so phenomenal. Summer movies are the ultimate expression of this possibility. Inflated with giant budgets and the technology to bring almost any idea to life, “tent pole” films like the Transformers series serve a very specific purpose: to entertain the masses to the furthest extent possible by including as many, if not all genres and popular subject matter possible. In this aspect, Dark Of The Moon succeeds by quite honestly being the most quote/unquote “jam packed” film I have ever witnessed. That said, it also the most horribly empty, soul-crushing two-plus hours I have spent at the cinema in awhile.

Commercials want you to believe Dark exposes a conspiracy from the US government about the Transformer and it does, but that really has little to do with the film. The real point of the film is setting enough cliches and mini-battles in place as possible before the time comes to destroy Chicago by going where few films have gone before: robot trying to enlsave vs. robots trying to save humans. Which is exactly what we wanted, right? More robots, more explosions, and more special effects? Sure it causes a complete absence of continuity and good acting, but it does look really cool and apparently that’s what we as movie goers have expressed we wanted.

Listen, I’m sure there will be tons of people that leave theaters this weekend feeling like they were entertained. If there’s one thing Transformers: Dark Of The Moon succeeds at it is giving you plenty of eye candy and loud noises (or anthemic rock) to distract any casual viewer from the monotony of reality. However, the film itself fails so badly that even those anticipating a bad film will be amazed. Plot holes, terrible acting, complete disregard for continuity and the origin universe, and worse, a complete lack of faith in the audience’s ability to know when it is being spoonfed pure, unfiltered garbage.

Just because it’s shiny doesn’t mean it has value.

Review written by: James Shotwell

• Author
• Recent Posts

James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

Latest posts by James Shotwell (see all)

• 2015’s Most Underrated Films - December 29, 2015
• Passing The Torch: The End Of An Era For UTG - December 1, 2015
• UTG PREMIERE: Before The Streetlights – “Private Browser” - November 26, 2015