Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

A Pretty Bad Night

“Why do you build me up buttercup baby just to let me down?”- Youtube

I’ve met a lot of strange girls. Not in a good way. I like normal girls who like normal things, and who treat people normally. I don’t like crazy arguments, long exaggerated stories or well thought out pathological lying. Perhaps the strangest girl i’ve ever met gave me one of the worst nights of my life, and I wasn’t even attempting to stick my pickle in her.

I was in NY on some sort of writing excursion where I probably didn’t get anything done and was looking for a place to stay. My friend’s girlfriend lived in the area and was out of town, so she had me meet her roommate so i could sleep on the love seat. At about 11 o’clock, I began my trek to the opposite side of town where this girl was going to meet me at a bar. She had sent me some strange unidentifiable text messages about where she was, and the wrong address, but eventually I figured it out. I should have realized from the amount of the letter “e” in “comeeee hereeee” that this girl was fucking wasted. I love to party and drink until I go blind, but this was unlike anything I had ever seen.

After about 30 minutes in the bar where she was doing a dance that would have made the Macarena look like a Beyonce seduction dance, I made the executive decision that we had to leave. She whispers something in my ear that sounds like “Will you kill me?” but i disregard it. Rather than leaving, she decided to scream like a boy in Toys R Us who didn’t get the new John Cena action figure. It was quite a scene but i didn’t care because i knew i would never be back at this bar. Eventually I dragged her outside and went to call a cab. I take my eye off of her for two seconds, and she jets into another much more expensive bar. For some reason, she orders 8 shots of Patron, which at this bar costs almost $100. Obviously neither of us are taking shots at this point, so these shots sit on the bar while i try to convince this girl it’s time to go home. The bartender inquires about the bill on the shots, to which this girl has not brought any money with her to the bar, and I have to pay for them.

At this point i’m pretty mad, and it takes a lot for me to get mad. My ex-girlfriend cheated on me for 4 months pretty consistently, and I never raised my voice. I tell her it’s time to go and literally drag her on the ground out of the bar. I get her outside and hail a cab. I pick her up and place her in the cab. The cab driver asks where we are going and she refuses to tell her address. The only thing i could get out of her was “Never Never Land” and she was not Peter Pan, and was not young or male enough to visit Never Land Ranch. Embarrassingly we leave the cab and she plops right onto the ground on the street. I have to drag her dead weight onto the sidewalk. This is where things start to get dark.

I turn on “Jayce Cam” and I capture probably the most disturbing video I have ever captured in my life. I am continually asking her where she lives and she starts to tell me that she doesn’t have a home, and she plans on dying. Not real sure how to respond, I just keep asking her where she lives, and she comes up with crazier answers. I stand her up from the ground, and at this point a crowd has somewhat gathered on the other side of the street. They are yelling at me, like i’ve done something wrong and need to help her. I don’t even know this girl. Once she stands up, she attempts to hurl herself in front of a car, where I decide to save her life. This happens about twice more until she crawls into the middle of the street and lays there to be run over. As enjoyable as it would have been to watch her stupid face get skid marked into the pavement, one last time i drag her out of the street.

It’s gotten late and I have had enough. It’s about 3 AM, no one is awake and i’m pretty screwed for sleeping somewhere. I leave the girl to be one with the pavement, and attempt to find somewhere to sleep that is warm enough considering it is the dead of winter. I sneak into the upstairs of a McDonald’s and begin sleeping until miraculously a friend comes through at about 4:30 AM.

There’s no closing moral or realization to this story. I tried hard to think of one, but there is nothing redeeming really about this. I’m sorry i’ve let you down world. If you’re that upset about it, make like a girl I don’t even know and jump into traffic.

Written by: Mr. Jayce

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James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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