Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

Piss “in the middle of the night” – Billy “two first names” Joel

College was a weird time for me. I was trying to balance school with playing music and what ended up happening was a watered down version of both things. I can remember driving overnight back from a show on a Sunday and getting to the parking lot at 7am. There I would sleep for 45 minutes, and go to my 8 am class. That along with other things piled up ultimately made me leave college.

My freshman year of college will probably forever be the worst year of my life. So many terrible things happened. I got food poisoning twice from the school, H. Pilori from the water, my ear drum burst, and I also had a roofie-dealer roommate who stole everything I owned and sold it. He also stole all my money and my credits cards to max them out. My long term girlfriend also broke up with me so she could continue to put my best friends penis in her mouth. But beyond those things, some very strange things happened to me. This was one of the weirdest.

Fourth day of being on campus, it’s about 4am. I had left my dorm room door unlocked so my roommate could stumble back into the room because he had already lost his room key. I’m laying on my bed half asleep and I hear my door open. I look and see the silhouette of a 6′ 300 lb Puerto Rican man. I’m no racist, but I certainly didn’t have any Puerto Rican friends. At this point a few, probably slightly racist ideas came to mind. Am I being robbed? Am I going to be raped? It was 4 am, give me a break.

As he walks into the room I try to say “what’s up?” and he just says “what’s up.” back. I’m kind of confused. No visible weapons or disguises. He slowly walks to my bed and I can even smell that he is wasted. He comes to the side of my bed and pulls his pants down. I immediately hold my butthole as tight as I can hoping that my butthole strength can block penetration. Then as he pulls his penis out, I realize he is just peeing under my bed all over my stuff. He mainly aimed for the trashcan, but soaked all my things and flooded the floor. When he finished he zipped up his pants and walked out of the room.

What do I do now? I’d never really been in this situation before (who has?) so I got up and walked down the hall to the resident assistant and told him a large Puerto Rican man peed all over my room. He confirmed that no large Puerto Rican men lived in our dorm. So we searched the building and eventually found him outside. He was told to come into my room and clean up.

He came into my room and grabbed my trashcan filled with urine soaked paper and wrappers, brought it into the bathroom, and dumped it in the toilet. Then he bounced. I spent 3 hours cleaning up his urine and throwing away my stuff. Not one of my fondest memories.

When you go to college, lock your doors. Or just don’t own anything. Someone will either steal it or piss on it.

Mr. Jayce

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James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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