Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

“Who let the dogs out?” -some very curious, but not very good Jamaican detectives

The Midwest is a strange place to choose to live. The weather is consistently pretty terrible, there’s hours of nothing in between cities, the economy is definitely not booming and unemployment seems to be pretty rampant. Everyone from the Midwest generally has a certain characteristic to them that you can’t describe, but it’s very easy to recognize.

I’ve spent a lot of time in the Midwest, and it is definitely where I have seen the strangest things. I was in Ohio during a winter tour. The Midwest in the winter is the absolute dumbest area of the country to tour. On this particular tour, I had gotten trapped in towns for multiple days because of snow storms 3 times. I spent three days at this house that I did not quite understand.

The family was clearly impoverished. For some reason, half of the house was boarded off inside. They had a zoo of shedding animals who pissed and shat where they pleased. The whole family smoked cigarettes all day inside the house. The 12 year old son hung out down in the basement and smoked weed all day, and I’m pretty sure the mother was indulging as well. The mom spent most of the day complaining about being poor. She not only didn’t work, but didn’t seem to ever leave her silk pajamas, and smoked at least 2 packs a day.

On the third day I was stuck there, my car was sitting in over 2 feet of snow in this 8 Mile-esque town. Somehow during the day, one of their disgusting mutt dogs had escaped the house and run away. I don’t even blame the dog. Even a dog shouldn’t have been living in that house. When the mother had noticed the dog had ran away, she started screaming and crying at the top of her lungs. The main statement being made was “I’m going to go to jail!”.

Not sure how a shitty dog running away would put you in jail, but I was trying to calm her down. This woman was screaming in my face and blaming me for letting her dog out, when I hadn’t trusted leaving the couch for 3 days. I would imagine it was her 12 year old pot-smoking son, but I was in no place to point fingers.

With the Baha Men on the case, this story takes a very strange turn. This actually doesn’t make much sense to me and I don’t expect anyone else to understand this. The mail man comes to the door, piece-of-shit dog in hand. He says “I found your dog, but you are going to have to earn it.”. About 10 seconds of whispering later I watch this forty-something year old woman lift her silk pajamas and show the mailman her breasts.

Yeah, that’s the whole story I don’t really have anything else to say.

Mr. Jayce

• Author
• Recent Posts

James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

Latest posts by James Shotwell (see all)

• 2015’s Most Underrated Films - December 29, 2015
• Passing The Torch: The End Of An Era For UTG - December 1, 2015
• UTG PREMIERE: Before The Streetlights – “Private Browser” - November 26, 2015