Christwire is at it again. This time, the satirical website has posted about an English rock and roll outfit very near and dear to our hearts, Asking Alexandria. They originally posted that they were involved with the London riots. Possibly even being the source of the chaos ravaging the streets of our fish and chip eating friends.

Now, the foe Christian site has “reported” that the “lead singer” is a vampire. Click through to read what Christwire has to say.

Only days after CW Global reports of Asking Alexandria masterminding the “Twilight Uprising’ riots in London, the league singer has revealed his full self and we see the spirit of Vlad Tepes masquerades as an emo named Sam L Bensley, the dread lead singer of this vile band.

8307441 448×252 Growling, Hissing Lead Singer of Asking Alexandria Arrested for Vampirism?According to shocking reports, Bensley purportedly broke into a woman’s home in the 7800 block of Seawall Boulevard. According to terrified police in Galveston, Texas, the man was able to ‘wisp’ through their barricades and lines of fire. It was not until a priest came in to do an ancient chant and brandish garlic about did Asking Alexandria’s lead singer relent, hissing and growling the same noises infamously typifying this band’s horrendous ‘music’.

Unfortunately, this happened only after Bensley was found in the woman’s home, wearing boxers and trying to bite the woman’s neck. While this bloody neckbiting theme is common in the LSD-infused bodies that attend of EDM concerts, for a normal person, these people and these actions are purely terrifying.

After Bensley was arrested, he reportedly told police he was a vampire. This much seems to be true. Bond for Bensley has been set at $40,000.

Fans of Asking Alexandria tend to be pale and effiminate, due to believing they are the ‘lost children of Alexander’s bane’, a name given to a cult of blood-letting Persian rebels who stood fast against Christianity’s Alexander the Great. Lack of sunlight makes Asking Alexandria fans subject to depression and angry outburts, their Circadian rhythm’s errant cycling causing them hallucinations and poor taste in music.

No other attacks are documented at time of report.

Now, stop rolling on the floor laughing, clean up the drink that you just emitted from your nose, and regain your composure.

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Jacob Tender

Jacob is a freelance writer who calls curbside.audio home. He is also the co-host of the Bantha Fodder podcast and helps UTG with technical and financial nonsense.

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