Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

“I don’t know the lyrics to any Phish songs” -Me

Have you ever bought anything off of craigslist? How fucking sketchy is craigslist? Have you ever been on missed connections? Hey losers, no one is looking for you on craigslist. In fact, if they knew you were posting they would pray to never see your hopeless romantic-ass again.

Ok, I have curiously searched the personals before. In fact one time my friend and I sent pictures of our other less shirted friend from a fake email out to girls who looked interesting to try to screen them. Never got any responses. Pretty normal stuff. But luckily, I yet to have a creepy craigslist personals story.

Yesterday though, something pretty strange happened to me. I collect weird vintage gear, and I found an ad for a vintage portable organ that’s worth probably about $400 on sale for $15. I figured it was a guy who found it and had no clue what it was and I was ready to take advantage.

I called the number provided and it was weird and hard to get a hold of the seller, but eventually I got through. He gave me an adress and a time to meet him so I left my house. I knew it was going to be in the ghetto but I couldn’t pass up this deal. I drove an hour roughly and arrived at an abandoned house.

I was a little confused but maybe this guy was a real estate agent or something? I hesitantly go up to the door and it magically opens a crack as I walk up to it. When I walk inside there is nothing but the organ and a very, very strange man. He must have recently dyed his hair read because parts of his forehead and scalp were badly dyed red, like he did it himself out of the box without a mirror. He was one of those weird nu-hippies. He was to hippies what nu-metal is to metal. The kind of guy that has never been to a Phish concert, but has bought a shirt in the back of FYE.

This guy is clearly on drugs. As I’m inside I realize no one lives here. In fact, I’m pretty sure this guy doesn’t live anywhere. He also knows so little about this instrument, he clearly never owned it. So, he either stole it or found it. At this point I had to morally decide if I could take the organ.

I obviously took the organ and loaded it into my van. At this point the guy starts asking me to come with him somewhere to “appraise” his other items. I said “yo I’m not the antiques road show, I gotta get out of here.” and got in my van to drive away. I then had an hour drive home to think about what just happened. And also to think about what treasures I could have missed.

I’m never buying anything on craigslist again. Too much shit could have gone wrong yesterday. Unless I get a gun, I’m sticking to eBay. At least then people are being creepy on their own time.

Also, if anyone is looking for their tiny vintage organ, it’s at my house. I don’t know why you were hanging out with this guy. I’m going to keep it to punish you for letting people like that into your life.

Mr. Jayce

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James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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