Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

“Get, Get, uh Get Naked”-Ex Motley Crüe

There’s all kinds of weird girls out there. Like that one girl who hid out at Alex Gaskgarth’s house and took a picture of his chubby. Or that girl Jessi Slaughter (not sure if that’s her real last name). The internet is like high school, only it’s much harder to hide when you majorly fuck up. There’s a popular website dedicated to pictures you take of yourself when you are feeling sexy and want to get a girl/boy moist, and then regret minutes after you send them. Or “nudes”.

Nudes are a weird thing. Although the internet is a vast spank bank filled with anything your penis can dream of virtually pumping, people can’t settle on total strangers. Once cameras were put on phones, the idea of immediately receiving a picture of a pretty unattractive girl putting her finger in her butt hole seemed like natural progression. Do girls do this because they crave penile attention? Will you actually feel better about yourself knowing some dude in a van is rubbing his man mushroom to a picture of your pooper? I guess nudes are something I will never understand.

I’m not very good at looking sexy. No one can take me seriously. This is probably why I’ve never sent a picture of my penis to a girl. I would never be ashamed of a picture of my penis, but even if I had Shaquille O’neal’s cock, a picture of me and my penis would still be giggled at. I think I’m ok with that. I’ve had my penis out of my pants at enough parties where someone out there probably has a picture of it. Are any girls going to look at it and flick their clit boner to it? Probably not.

I hate when girls find out more people have seen their photo than they intended (duh) and think their life is over. Unless you are sucking off your dog or something, you’re gonna be ok. Every girl on planet earth has boobs and a vagina. And every dude has a dick. Why you were taking pictures of them in the first place though is beyond me. I’ve heard the excuse “long distance is hard” and etc. Trust me, if pictures of your titties are the only thing keeping your relationship going, then I don’t see it panning out too well in the future. There’s other girls out there who have way nicer boobs than you. They are in porn magazines that aren’t pictures taken in your mom’s bathroom with instagram to look artsy.

Leave the nudity to the pros everyone. People get paid to be naked in pictures, so let them earn their hard earned squirts like they are supposed to. Wouldn’t you rather listen to Miles Davis than a guy on his third trumpet lesson?

Mr. Jayce

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James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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