September 7th, 2011 
James Shotwell 
Under The Gun is continuing our efforts to bring you more original and engaging content with REASONABLE REMAKES. Written by film-nerd Justin Proper, this column aims to highlight Hollywood’s forgotten gems and spark debate.
You see, we’ve grown tired of Hollywood rehashing ideas we’re old enough to remember. Why remake something the majority of the planet still remembers and loves deeply when there are tons of films that deserve a chance to be as great as modern technology and skill can make them? If you agree, this column is for you.
If you have any suggestions for films or topics you’d like to see covered on REASONABLE REMAKES, please send an email titled “remakes” to utgjames@gmail.com.
I’m taking a break from the usual format to bring you my thoughts on some upcoming remakes. What follows is a list of 3 remakes that are currently in production or are coming out soon and why I think they’ll suck. I could be completely wrong, hell, I really hope I am in some of these cases, but I’ve sat through too many missed opportunities from hollywood for remakes (Pulse, The A-Team, Nightmare On Elm Street) to have any shred of anticipation for any of these.
The original Footloose is a beloved classic from a time when feel good movies were still wholesome and pure (more or less). I’m not saying the original Footloose is good (quite frankly I’d rather watch a SyFy original than that cheese-fest) but it made a ton of money and everyone has seen it. The reason it did so well is because it was kind of based on a true story and it was made in 1984, and as I’ve said before audiences back then had no problem with ridiculous plots. The remake however is set in modern times. This is a huge problem. First off, we have the First Amendment now. No town in this entire country would successfully pass a bill that bans minors from dancing. Especially not when the town has hundreds of rebellious teens willing to break the law and have underground dance parties or whatever the hell is going on in the trailer. Am I really supposed to believe none of those kids are smart enough to call a lawyer or anything? Second, even if you can get past all of that I have a huge problem with the cast and setting. If by some miracle a town passed that bill that town would have to be the most backwards southern town ever, and there’s a 0% chance there would be that much interracial mingling. I’m not making a racist or ignorant point about the south (ok, sort of) but I went to a small town high school here in the north and our school population was 95% white and no one knows how to Krump. Small towns work that way, I don’t make the rules.
If you haven’t seen Akira, go check it out. Yes, I know its an anime, and yes I know its completely absurd, but look past the movie and watch it critically. The whole this is really deep. Japanese movies are usually a statement about something in their society, and in this case it’s no different. This is why the American remake is going to fail harder than Doug Benson trying to remember something he did 10 minutes ago. Let’s start with the director. I’m going to save you some time and tell you this thing is being helmed by Jaume Collet-Serra (you know, House of Wax and Orphan) so clearly we have an under-qualified hack tackling a project that is so much bigger than anything he’s touched before. The cast has gone through so many changes and rumors that I can’t tell you who is going to be in it, but I can tell you this: none of the actors are asian. This is so offensive to fans of the original and the country of Japan (the original manga and anime are as highly regarded there as Citizen Kane is here) that Mr. Sulu himself, George Takei has spoken out about it. On top of all of this, there’s no way any American remake is going to accurately reflect a major theme in the film, which is the post-WWII economic revival and cultural shift after bombs were dropped in their major cities. We just can’t truly understand that over here.
Pretty much everyone went through a phase as a teenager where they thought The Crow was the greatest movie ever. It was practically a angsty teen’s fan-fic come to life on screen. My VHS copy is still sitting around somewhere and, I swear on Odin’s beard, I actually bought a set of rings based on the movie ones to give to my girlfriend as a gift. I watched it again the other day and it’s still a good movie, but nowhere near as awesome as I thought it was back then. Eventually you grow up and stop listening to Nu-metal and being all gothy. Someone decided that the current generation didn’t have enough brooding dark heroes (sparkly vampires just aren’t cutting it these days) so The Crow is getting remade. I really didn’t abhor this idea until I read two things. First, they want it to be “realistic, hard edged and mysterious, almost documentary style”. That takes away all the charm that made the original so successful. The slight fantasy element made it totally ok that a ghost was back from the dead killing his killers. The second problem I have is casting. The two people in talks for the lead are Mark Wahlberg and Channing Tatum. That’s not a joke, go look it up. Having either one of those two play Eric Draven is going to ruin any chance that movie has of being anything but awful. At least maybe we’ll get another accident and be rid of Marky Mark once and for all. Say hi to your mother for me.
Please feel free to argue with me below, but we’ll see who has the last laugh when these come out (I have a feeling it will be no one, they’re all going to be terrible). Once again I’ll end the article with a great scene from a terrible remake. This week we have a pretty awesome death from the Friday The 13th remake. Stand by for splitting headache pun.
Youtube ruined our fun. Watch the F13 clip by clicking here.
Written by: Justin Proper
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