Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop (Week 16)

Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

“It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere” -Adults who are good at life

A while ago my band embarked on a tour that lasted almost half a year. It was pretty shitty. There were some good shows and festivals, but for the most part we were playing for no one. It was the period between our holiday EP and Bamboozle. I remember thinking my album was going to come out, but I was pretty wrong. We were sleeping in the van pretty much every night, which my van is a 6-7 passenger van. Our van has no air condition and the windows are broken so they do not roll down. Probably the worst van a band could tour in.

We had a bass player filling in because ours had just quit, and i hated him and flew him home after about a week. I took over bass duties and we were a three piece. Loving life, sleeping in the van. After hitting the entire east coast and south, we eventually landed in California where i have some friends and family. We played a show where no one from my label showed up and my now ex-lawyer walked out after about 2 songs. Our future was looking pretty bright.

After that show we had some time off waiting for the next leg of the tour to kick in. A friend of mine lives on a marina and decided to have a BBQ starting around noon. We went over and I immediately started chugging my first bottle of malibu. By about 130 i was passed out drunk asleep on the couch.  Dave was fucking with me and video taping me which was dumb. At about 5 i was woken up and told we were going to the famous food trucks out in California. They were within walking distance, but as soon as I stood up, i knew i shouldn’t be walking anywhere. I somehow made it, but was definitely the most drunk i’ve ever been in public. It was still only about 5:30.

There were way too many people there for so much shitty food. I had the worst sandwich i had ever had in my life. For some reason the food network was there interviewing people and they interviewed me. I was so wasted talking about grilled cheese, and they used it on their show. Slightly out of context, but I’m glad they launched me into super-stardom.

At this point i remember looking behind the camera man and seeing my brother puking on a tree. I was laughing at him and he was not pleased. We began our trek back to the marina, with my brother no where to be found. Dave and Jon were completely sober and ready to drive home. They ran inside to grab their bags while I sat in the car. I felt very sick and needed to puke so I swung open the door and leaned my head out. My phone dropped out of my lap on to the ground and I began vomiting the days collection all over my phone.

The guys came back to a giant pile of puke and me texting on my puke covered phone. The only GPS we had was on my phone, so Jon had to navigate via my puke phone, which i did feel sorry about.

You can still catch the video of us on the food network which plays occasionally. Our hair is way too long and we look like homeless drunk people. Go figure.

Mr. Jayce

James Shotwell
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