Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again”-chumbawumbabumba

The worst show I’ve ever played was in Idaho. 14 hour drive. Literally 0 paid, and actually I don’t think anyone snuck in either. For some reason we still played. Dave hadn’t eaten all day and forgot how to play the drums. I remember while we were loading one of the dudes in another band we were on tour with said “I don’t worry about these shows, I know I’m gonna be famous”. I also remember thinking he was a huge douche bag and his band sucked. He’s not famous now if you were wondering.

A couple days later on that tour, we were playing in some weird park in Ohio, in a snack bar kind of place. I knew it was going to be awful, because about 4 of every 5 shows were terrible. First note of the first song, I jumped backwards and tripped over the monitors and fell off the stage. My bare foot started gushing blood. I played the rest of the song before I even looked down.

Once I looked down I saw I was bleeding pretty profusely and I duct taped my foot and played the rest of the show sitting on a stool. Once I was done with the set we played for about 6 people, I hobbled into the bathroom. I took the tape off and I was still spraying blood everywhere. I could see the tendons and bone in my toe, which was pretty gross.

I went to the hospital without insurance and had the doctors cut as many costs as they could. No painkillers or numbing agents, they just sewed my foot shut and I got a bill for about $800. I had to wear a funny bandage and boot which I wore for the remainder of tour.

The best part of the trip was probably the pre-surgery interview I was given. They asked me how many times a week I drink alcohol. At that point my answer was “probably all of them”. They for sure seemed alarmed.

People ask me why I don’t really tour any more. I think this period of time was a good inspiration to not tour for a while. But I don’t really worry about those shows or hospital bills, I know I’ll be famous some day. Just like that guy from “Phone Calls From Home”.

Mr. Jayce

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James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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