Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

“I whip my hair back and forth” -the fresh princess

To be honest I don’t think I’ve met too many smokin’ hot chicks on tour, and they’ve never been interested in talking to me. But there was this one time in Florida.

I’m not very smooth with girls but somehow I landed both my band and another band we were on tour with a spot to sleep with this mega hot chick. By the time we got there I was pretty drunk. It was pretty cold too, especially for Miami. As far as the house goes, it was a pretty terrible place to stay. No large couches, all hard tile floors and presumably parents somewhere in the house. But I don’t really complain about anywhere with doors.

Everyone was partying. Dave threw up at about 3am. I was in the “alone zone” which is where I start drinking until I realize no girls like me and I pull a blanket over my head. Someone passed out in the trailer and accidentally got locked in for the night. Seemed like a pretty good night.

At 5:30am for no reason the super hot chick turned into a super bitch and kicked everyone out. It’s really difficult to get Dave to move the day after her vomits. But nevertheless, both bands drove to the nearest shopping plaza to sleep in our vans. I hadn’t showered in days and I looked disgusting. Somehow I came up with the idea of getting my hair washed in a beauty salon. I walked into this Puerto Rican salon and immediately regretted my decision, but I was on a mission.

I asked how much to wash my hair and they said $5 so I agreed even though I barely even had that. I sat in the chair and listened to puerto Rican chatter. I took Spanish in high school so I got one of every 15 words. She started washing my hair, and I noticed she had put 6 different liquids in my hair. I thought  that was a little excessive but I appreciated the treatment and commitment. I got up feeling refreshed and went to check out.

The lady goes “15 dolla” and I started discussing how we previously agreed to $5. She then tells me she washed my hair 3 times so it was going to be $15. The very large black man in the back staring at me pounding his fist caused me not to argue. I gave them my last penny and left to play another show, with a $15 wash job. Would my friend Gunz say I was ballin?

Mr. Jayce

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James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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