[New Feature] WHAT THE FILM!?: Deep Blue Sea

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What better way to usher in the first weekend of November than by debuting a BRAND NEW FEATURE?

What The Film is a new weekly column exclusive to Under The Gun Review that brings to light the plot holes Hollywood hoped you’d never notice. Written by comedy writer Dane Sager, this column shows no mercy to films that try and pull the proverbial wool over our eyes.

If you know a film with major plot holes that you feel needs to be exposed, tell us! Email  utgjames@gmail.com with the subject “What The Film” and we’ll try to get your suggestion featured on the site.

Hello! My name is Dane and I’m the new columnist here at Under The Gun. Before we get started, I would like to answer your questions about me before you even ask them:

-Yes

-No

-Ankylosaurus

-No, she has never been willing

-Two packets of sugar and no cream

Now that we have that out of the way, let us get to the problem at hand: Hollywood will occasionally give us something so ridiculous and insane that it takes us out of the movie. Just to be clear, I’m not talking about James Bond saving the world every other year or a group of wizards living in their own cities separate from our own without us ever knowing about them, because these situations make sense in the universes that they are in. I’m talking about scenes, plots, and characters who don’t make sense in the context of the movie they’re in. 

 

“Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what burns look like” - Someone who has never seen a burn

 

This week’s movie: 1999’s Deep Blue Sea. 

You may remember Deep Blue Sea as the movie where genetically mutated Mako Sharks kill off every single character in the movie except for LL Cool J and The Punisher. You may also remember it as the movie that has not quite, but almost the exact same plot as the far superior 2011’s Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

So What Is It About?

A group of scientists (after learning that sharks never have any diseases attack their brain) try to create a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease. They genetically engineer three Mako Sharks to be much larger than natural Mako Sharks, so they can have a more generously sized brain to study. This decision brings the unfortunate side effect of having much smarter sharks.

 

...And it goes just as smoothly as you'd think.

About a half hour into the movie, they decide to test all their research. So how does one manufacture and test a potential cure for Alzheimer’s? By analyzing the shark’s brain, extracting the proteins, synthesizing them to make them pure and efficient (as well as eliminating bacteria and parasites that could potentially be living in the shark’s brain), testing each synthesized protein on people/monkeys/labrats and intently observing to see if their brain function is being repaired, and if there is no improvement, using a different protein that was extracted and purified to see if that works. By using one protein at a time, you’re eliminating any contamination and removing any variables that could have an effect on the brain. There’s a phrase for this kind of testing, it’s called “The Scientific Method”. If this sounds familiar, it’s because almost every scientific discovery has occurred due to this process.

Deep Blue Sea looks at the Scientific Method and holds it under water till bubbles stop coming up to the surface. It starts close enough, by tranquilizing one of their Mako Sharks and bringing it aboard the sea lab to extract what will now be referred to as “Brain Juice” from this point on. Lead Female Scientist pierces the Mako’s with a long needle that goes directly into the brain and draws out the Brain Juice. While still in the same exact room as the Mako Shark, its handler, several other scientists (including one who is smoking a cigarette), and an open door leading into the ocean, she slowly squirts some of the Brain Juice out of her large syringe onto a petri dish that contains a small sample of dead human brain. Because when you are testing something as important like this, you want to make sure it’s contaminated as possible.

 

“We are going to get so much science with this”

When you’re placing Brain Juice on a small slice of a dead human brain, what on Earth are you even trying to accomplish here? This is less like science and more like a curious cook throwing together ingredients to see what they can make. Even if this goes how you expect, you literally have no idea what caused it; for all you know, it could have been a combination of the cigarette smoke, the salty humidity coming from the doorway into the ocean, and a parasite within the shark’s brain.

So what happens with this test? The brain cells start coming back to life and its synapses start firing again. It stays alive for close to seven seconds before dying again. Everyone is excited and happy that they cured Alzheimer’s despite the fact that no one knows how. Even more alarming is the fact that no one seems bothered that some dead person who donated their body to science had their consciousness snap back into existence for almost seven seconds before disappearing again back into oblivion.

 

"...Huh?"

WHAT THE FILM will return to UTG next week. Comment below and let us know your thoughts on this new column!

 

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