November 20th, 2011 
James Shotwell 
Head of the UTG film department and mastermind behind Reasonable Remakes, Justin Proper has brought us another new column. Ladies and gentleman, allow us to introduce you to: How Bad Is It?
Movies are the number one source of entertainment according to a statistic I just made up. Everyone loves going to the movies. It’s a standard date night, and has helped millions of teens awkwardly hold hands in the dark. Movies are a great escape from reality, and help people relieve the stress of their lives. Unfortunately every once in a while a movie gets released that ruins the experience.…
When I started this article last week I thought it would be fun. As a lover of movies I can usually enjoy the experience, regardless of the quality of the film. Going to the theater has always held a special place in my heart, and before yesterday I didn’t think anything could ruin that for me. I got to the theater early, altered my mind, bought some tickets, and eagerly awaited the arrival of my female companion (that’s right nerds, I took a girl to a movie). We got some drinks and headed in to the theater number nine, completely unaware of the horror that awaited us. Instead of the wonderful, nostalgic, almost whimsical experience, I usually have at the movies all that awaited me was a new form of hell I didn’t think possible.The Movie
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (which will be referred to as just Breaking Dawn from here on out) is the fourth installment of the Twilight Saga movies that are based on the awful books of the same name. It stars Cedric from the Harry Potter films as a really cheesy teen vampire and the daughter from Panic Room as a girl who’s very bad at making good decisions in her life. The movie starts with the two getting married (full disclosure: I never saw the other movies) and then going on their honeymoon where apparently the vampire impregnates the girl who can’t make her face show emotions.
I guess this is a bad thing because everyone freaks out and more people rush to help them deal with this “vampire/human baby” situation. I’m sure there’s more to the movie, but we’ll get to that later. The series has a cult following and I’m sure it will make a disgusting amount of money, but critics have not been so friendly. Reviews for Breaking Dawn have said things like “stretches a 50 minute story in to two hours” and “by any normal standard this is a terrible movie”. It currently has a 27% on Rotten Tomatoes, most of the positive reviews being from die hard Twilight fans.
These people aren't considered pedophiles for some reason
How Bad Is It?
I really wanted to find out what all the excitement was about so I went to the movie with all my preconceptions thrown out. Objectivity was the name of the game here, and I knew it would be an uphill battle, but I truly feel that I gave Breaking Dawn an honest shot. Unfortunately all the mind altering substances in the world couldn’t save this one (trust me, I tried). Early on it was very clear that the only reason this movie was split in to two parts was because the last Harry Potter movie was. Any scene that only needed to be around a minute was stretched out with slow motion or more shots of the characters “reflecting” on their thoughts.
Breaking Dawn: Now with 50% more brooding looks.
As far as weddings in movies go this may have been one of the weirdest and most boring marriages to appear on the big screen. When Bella walked down the aisle I didn’t know if she was nervous, confused, or constipated, but either way I didn’t believe the performance. This was followed by a ceremony where everyone, yes EVERYONE, gave a speech at the reception. This would have been topped off when Edward gives what would be a heartwarming toast to Bella. I say “would be” because for some reason Robert Pattinson decided that the best way to give a good performance was to channel Christopher Walken.
None of the movie was even the part of the experience that made me the most uncomfortable. No, that honor goes to hearing a wave of 10-12 year olds giggling whenever there was anything remotely sexual on screen. If you want to feel like a creepy pervert, go see this movie. Based on the giggling and voices I heard in the theater I would say that the average age of the room was 13. I’m not a parent, but I felt really strange seeing moms taking their daughters who were clearly too young to understand the concepts being shown in this movie. I’m not saying that These movies and books are ruining America, but I’m pretty sure these books and movies are ruining America.
So how bad was it? I walked out around the 45 minute mark, and I’ve never walked out of a movie before in my life.
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I am a huge Twilight fan having read the books and viewed the movies many times. This movie was horrible. The first three did not cause a feeling of disgust when I left the theatre. Cheezeball fakey-fake. Bummed!
The title Breaking Dawn was displayed on the screen at the beginning of the film but to be more appropriate it should have been called Breaking Wind since at least that way the unsuspecting would have a heads up that they were about to witness a two hour dump.
Seriously, what could they have spent the budget for this movie on? Kristen Stewart’s bad acting coach? CG wolves outsourced to some third world graphics company running Windows 98? I know it couldn’t be the public domain reel of Rio those they downloaded from Google for free. I could have made this same movie in about five days with two cell phone cameras and any random group of high school students and saved the studio seventy five mil. Hell, just give me the money and I will put the word Twilight above a single photo of Taylor Lautner standing in a elephant turd and I’ll still get Twilight fans to pay over ten bucks to sit there and stare at it for two hours.
At least I now know not to let myself get roped into sitting through the next installment of Meyer’s porn for thirteen year old girls and their overweight helicopter moms. I feel like I need to bathe in GermX just to get cooties off of me after seeing this movie. Please god don’t let these Twilight people anywhere near the Hunger Games or I am gonna be so pissed.
Dear God what an awful, cheesy, corny, awkward, movie. Okay, I liked the books… I admit it. I feel they’re well written for what they are – young adult literature. However, very little of what Stephanie Meyers writes about, transfers believably on the big screen in my opinion. Maybe it’s the adaptation; the screen play writers, the less-than-state-of-the-art special effects with regard to the wolves? Or those awful contacts? Oh my God, when Edward’s ‘cousins’ appeared at the wedding, everyone in the audience screeched with laughter at their big, buggy amber eyes. It just looked ridiculous. Kristen Stewart pretty much gives the same sort of performance as in the other films, only with a bit more screaming near the end. I agree with the above writer regarding her “walking down the aisle scene” – It was bizarre with the myriad of facial expressions-bordering-on-contortions she was making.
I think the sooner these young actors move on to other projects, the better. Pattinson has shown a lot of promise in his recent ventures (Water for Elephants) and I am looking forward to seeing him in films that allows him to explore his potential. I don’t know if I can say the same about the other actors in the film though. And now that I’ve come this far, I’m going to have to see the damn last movie to it’s end.
I agree with your article; I, too, was recently tortured by the movie “Breaking Dawn”.
All the events in that movie could have easily been compiled into an hour, but the producers just wanted more money. At least the producers of Harry Potter had a good reason: there were so many events that it would have been difficult to have an accurate portrayal of the seventh book.
Moreover, as a casual fan, the movie in general disturbed me; it’s not exactly comfortable watching someone slowly die on screen in front of you and have someone perform a cesarean section with their mouth. These comments are coming from a seventeen year old female who would like to acknowledge twihards for their “undying” (see what I did there?) loyalty in the face of a terrible twilight movie.
You guys have missed the point so much, it’s no wonder none of you got laid after seeing the movie. It’s not the movie, but the romance, that makes us want to see the movie and read the books. I know it’s a dream world and probably would never exist, but that’s what fantasy is. It’s not meant to be Harry Potter type fantasy but a love story, Edward always puts Bella first, before his own needs, even when he tells her no more sex because he might hurt her.How many of you guys have ever said no to a girl who wants it? Half the time, we could be on our death beds and you’d want it one more time.
So many women are missing that with their husband/boyfriend. That’s why this appeals to so many females from pre-teens to 80 year old prunes. If my husband treated me 1/10 th as good as Edward treats Bella, he would definately be getting laid a lot more. The most romatic thing my husband does is calls me at 3:00 every afternoon at work and asks “what’s for dinner?”. Actually, I must admit he went to the movie with me and didn’t complain, so I guess he’s not that bad. He did complain that there were probably 20 guys in a packed theater that seats 300.
So as bad and hocky as you think the movie is, the actors are laughting all the way to the bank and will probably never have to work another day in their lives, all because you guys don’t gives us what we what, so we find it in a fantasy world. I don’t think the studio, the director or the actors themselves really care what you say.
You need to review it as it’s meant to be, a romance and really nothing more. Also, remember, they had to keep it PG 13. This I think ruined the movie more than anything else. If it was R rated, the sex and the violence would have been much better.
I’m sorry your husband sucks and I find it very unfair to call my romantic tendencies in to question as you do not know me. Thanks for the read!
Wow JP this one got their attention. This one review has more comments then all your other reviews and rewrites combined. Maybe you should just throw a line about how much this series sucks into every article and you’ll have people coming out of the wazoo to bitch. I’m just going to wait on the Rifftrax for this one. Actually I couldn’t get through the last two movies without them. I mean sparkly vampires? Come on! Bram Stoker is turning over in his grave. Too bad the werewolves don’t have rainbow colored fur, I think Meyer’s really missed an opportunity.
I so agree with you! I was soo excited to see this movie that I bought my tickets a month in advanced! The wolf scene was uncomfortable to even watch-My friend and I were literaly laughing out loud at half of the movie!! I was and still am a Twilight fan but this movie SUCKED!! Just thinking about how they made the “wolves” sound like they were stuck in a damn trash can was priceless…
I just want to add a comment about the comparison of Twilight Moms to adult men lusting after teenage girls. From my perspective, it’s not about older women lusting after Edward or Robert Pattinson the actor. (although there are probably some who do)
I see the phenomenon, if you will, as being in love with the idea of “being in love.” And being in love to a degree and an intensity that borders on obsession and rivals everything else in the world. Women are in love with the idea of Edward – he is an enigma: Charming, powerful, deadly, but he chooses a righteous path in life which is very difficult for his ‘kind.’ Women also love the love Edward has for Bella. This kind of intensity and soul mate stuff rarely happens in average relationships, so it’s appealing to women who have neanderthals for husbands. So, most of us don’t dream of shagging Edward or Robert – we’re mostly taken by the story and the intensity of the relationship.
This being said – I enjoyed the books, but I would rather be water-boarded than watch Breaking Dawn Part 1 again.
I havent read any Twilight books, have only seen the movies and like others have said, they stretched the wedding and honeymoon extremely long. The honeymoon started to get boring.
Pretty much the whole movie was the wedding, honeymoon, Bella in the Cullen home.
I’m 60 and loved the books and movies. My 21 year old is still a virgin, to wed this summer. She has my respect for making her own choices but I’m pretty sure Bella and Edward choosing to wait encouraged her and her young man to wait for after marriage. So don’t call it a bad influence when you clearly don’t understand what is going on in Bella’s and Edward’s relationship. I do agree this last movie is not for young girls, but I didn’t see any when I saw the movie.
In comment to the woman complaining about her husband being unromantic, I find it very sad a person has to delve into the realm of fantasy, particularly a bad fantasy that glorifies submissive women and abusive relationships, to feel vindicated and loved. That is a tragedy to me, truly heartbreaking. I loathe this series because it preys on people like the angry wife and immature teenager, women who are lonely, starved for love, questioning their self-worth, so insecure they can’t actually tell their husband how they’re feeling or gather the courage to leave him if he doesn’t meet their needs. Twilight is not empowering at all, it’s about obsession, control, addiction and has nothing at all to do with love. It glorifies abuse and the submission of women, painting us as weak little things that can’t do anything for ourselves with out a man to hold us up.
I’m sorry, but if your husband is making you unhappy, do something about it. Your unhappiness is as much your own fault as it is his.
People keep trying to philosophize Twilight – it isn’t such a mystery – Twilight is an obvious sexual fantasy deceptively hidden (and badly so) within a pretty little story that crashed! I’m a fan of the original Twilight movie, and I can tell you exactly why us girls are so NUTS over it. If you’ve ever wondered where Twilight came from and what it’s all about – I explain everything in this blog post: http://adifferenttwilght.blogspot.com/
Part 1 is a little over the top the honey moon was sweet :)
I love the part when bella opens her eyes and they are pure red FREAKY right???
The wedding is more sweet
I saw Breaking Dawn last night and I have to say that it was one of the most uncomfortable and unintentionally hilarious movies that I have ever seen. A story that could obviously been squished into one film has thus been cut in half and then padded with scenes of brooding, pondering, and staring into space put to obscure indie music. The acting was wooden, the effects were cheap, and the dialogue was just terrible. I must say Edward and Bella must be the most dry, inane, and boring couple I have ever had the unfortunate pleasure of watching. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have read the books. Thus I can accurately state that the reason this movie, and all the others, are utterly horrible, is because the source material is horrible. The filmmakers did an impeccable job at following the book, and that is the problem. Honestly, I have read fanfictions that were written better.
Probably one of the biggest problems I have with the series and with the movie itself was the not so subtle messages of abstinence, pedophilia, anti-abortion, and subjection of women. Seriously. Bella is a terrible role model. She spent the whole entire movie moping, brooding, and making sure her whole entire life revolves around her precious Edward. This woman has no hobbies, no personality, and no sense of self outside of Edward Cullen. My god. Who would follow such a boring, saintly, man. He is a 100 year old virgin who has no concept of how babies are made. More personality could be found in a potted plant. But If you are in for a good laugh, this movie sure takes the cake.
Wow, you’re rude, ma’am. Anyone can have an opinion, no matter the circumstances.
Ok first of all I understood everything and was never confused through out the whole series so don’t say I didn’t get it. Also I gave the books a try but it didn’t interest me. This is my review on breaking dawn the MOVIE. The whole Jacob wolf thing was a joke. They try to be serious but all I’m thinking is he doesn’t like wearing shirts and wouldn’t all his clothes rip off. All of the talking wolf scenes were weird, like they had different personalities when they were wolves. It’s not the modern twist on a classic werewolf, vampire story, its new made up creatures, which is fine. The impression I have on Bella’s human friends and family is that they’re ignorant. The wedding was sooo awkward and Bella seemed constipated. Why were teenagers drinking in front of a cop(her dad)? Overacting from Jacob and underacting from Bella and Edward. How the fuck does Edward get a boner when he doesn’t even have blood? Can Edward be a little irritated by the sun please? It bothered me how fast her baby matured, she’s not gonna feel kicking the day after. Ok so when Bella gets back the wolves want to kill the baby, first they thought it was none of their business when Bella would be turned into a vamp, so why are they more angry when the vampire is more human? K then its boring and gory at the same time. It looks to me like imprinting is just their tribes love and Jacob loving the hybrid is cliche. Then Bella becomes a vamp, grows makeup and everything is perfect again. I sat there trying to defend the movie but it became too redic…
Haha! I love this. Bella annoying the crap out if me while reading is bad, but seeing that look on Kristen Steward’s face like she needs to pass some gass but is trying very hard not to is just hilarious! I liked the books quite a bit but those movies are priceless!
Late to the game but I think your assessment of the movie and the lack of sustainable plot and drawn out angst of talentless wet rag actors is on the mark. I walked out of the first film – I had never walked out of a film in my life either.
The Notebook is a few steps (try about 80) up the food chain from the twilight disasters.
i am a huge twilight fan and my favorite carictors are bella and edward cullen when bella gets married to edward and have a baby
bella who is your husband who you married
do you have a baby who is just born at 9months