December 1st, 2011 
James Shotwell 
Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.
WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.
“The song at the end of the Power Rangers movie” -Van Halen
Last week I wrote about my thanksgiving memories, in honor of thanksgiving. Im not sure who or even if I should be thankful at all for what happened to me last week. But I suppose I’m thankful I am still alive.
Things were getting pretty crazy and I was still waiting for my friends to show up at the bar. My ex-girlfriend was there with all of her friends and her boyfriend. Obviously that went well. I was so bored, yet so entertained watching all of my ex-girlfriends friends who used to judge me and mock me. They were all so wasted and stupid. It reminded me of getting drunk and watching Gossip Girl alone at my house. So many arguments about friendship, boyfriendship, and other things I don’t particularly care about.
Finally my friends showed up, but they all showed up at different bars at the same time. I was pretty drunk and determined to see all of them. I had shaved and put nice clothes on, so I was going to take advantage of one night where I cared about my appearance.
First bar I met up with friends at, I fall down the stairs while ripping away from a friend who didn’t want me to go. The bouncer asked me to leave and I completely understood. Someone else texted me and said they were taking shots in the parking lot, so I started sprinting over there. I slipped and fell into the road and was nailed from behind with a car. It could have been in a high budget action movie. I hit the hood of his car, then I flew and rolled on the street a little bit. It definitely knocked the wind out of me and I was somewhat convulsing on the ground thinking what to do. The guy got out of his car, seemed very concerned and asked me if I was alright. Dazed and confused I stood up, looked at him and without saying a word I sprinted in the opposite direction. I still am wondering what is going through his mind.
Almost as if I never got hit by a car, I get to the parking garage and take some shots of some weird eggnog drink and go back to the bar to pick up hot chicks. The hot chicks weren’t for me, I was put on a mission like the Terminator to retrieve hot chicks I had never met before that supposedly were waiting for me. They actually weren’t waiting for me and didn’t want to “come with me if you want to live”, nor did they find that funny.
Empty handed, I came back to my friends disappointed in myself, but also not sure if I was actually alive or if I died when I got hit by that car. So the night ended with me trying to prove I was alive and passing out by myself on the floor.
I hope you guys had a better Thanksgiving than I did. I didn’t really get out of bed and argued with people about going to the hospital. I don’t need to go to the hospital to have them wake me up and tell me I’m an idiot. No thanks.
Mr. Jayce
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Sounds like a pretty mellow Thanksgiving.