December 7th, 2011 
James Shotwell 
Under The Gun is continuing our efforts to bring you more original and engaging content with REASONABLE REMAKES. Written by film-nerd Justin Proper, this column aims to highlight Hollywood’s forgotten gems and spark debate.
You see, we’ve grown tired of Hollywood rehashing ideas we’re old enough to remember. Why remake something the majority of the planet still remembers and loves deeply when there are tons of films that deserve a chance to be as great as modern technology and skill can make them? If you agree, this column is for you.
A lot of people hold Alfred Hitchcock in a very high regard. This isn’t a bad thing, the man definitely deserves it. His films have shaped cinema in ways most will never fully understand (myself included). Unfortunately putting Hitchcock on such a high pedestal has led to the feeling that you can’t touch his movies. You can use them as inspiration, but you dare not outright remake them. Psycho was remade, and it flopped. Other than that we’ve had few remakes of his classics. Sure, Rear Window was remade for TV with Christopher Reeve, but wasn’t that just so people wouldn’t feel so sorry for him? People forget that Throw Momma From The Train was basically a remake of Strangers On A Train because it turned it in to a comedy, but that film was great. It’s with that in mind that I set out to imagine a new Rear Window for a new generation in this week’s Reasonable Remakes.
You’ve seen Rear Window. Don’t tell me you haven’t because you have. Even if you haven’t seen it, you’ve seen it. No, really, you have. Rear Window is one of those things that’s referenced so much in pop culture that it has become part of our collective unconscious. One of the best episodes of The Simpsons is a spoof of Rear Window.
Hitchcock did it first!
For those of you who are Amish and on Rumspringa Rear Window is about a man who works as a globetrotting professional photographer (that’s people who take pictures for a living) but becomes confined to his apartment after breaking his leg. Plagued by the modern world’s worst epidemic, boredom, he begins to watch his neighbors through their windows with his photography gear. All is well at first, he doesn’t really do any creepy stalkering or anything (that they showed on screen anyways, let’s be honest, he’s still a guy) but then shit gets real when he suspects one of his neighbors murdered his wife with a big ass knife then buried her in the flower garden in the courtyard.
"Don't mind me, just hacking up a corpse!"
He doesn’t have solid proof however, and his friends and girlfriend don’t exactly believe him yet. Some more things happen then someone snaps a dogs neck. Of course The main character suspects the supposed wife murderer so he sends his girlfriend to dig in the garden to try to uncover the corpse when the suspected killer is out of the apartment complex. Somehow this leads to the man’s girlfriend to infiltrate the killer’s apartment to get evidence but the killer comes home and has her arrested. Eventually the killer catches on to the man watching him and he comes to his apartment to confront him. There’s a cool scene involving a scuffle and camera flashes then the photographer falls out of the window and the killer is captured by the police, confesses to the murder, and is sent to jail. It all gets tied up nicely with a great happy ending to what could have just been an overactive imagination and a peeping tom case.
The shifty eyes of a pervert or the stern gaze of justice?
Rear Window is a great movie. The suspense and mystery builds perfectly (as in every Hitchcock film) and it ends satisfyingly. It’s been far too long though, and it’s time for someone new to take a crack at the story. One of the greatest things about Rear Window is the amount of unique characters. Each apartment holds a different story. Every single window held a new scene, a new mood, a whole new world. This needs to be highlighted in the remake. Another thing that really needs to be treated well is the buildup. Hitchcock had you doubting yourself the entire movie. “Maybe he didn’t kill his wife.” you’d think, ten minutes after being completely positive he did. That expert handling of suspense is why Hitchcock is regarded as a god of cinema, and that needs to be preserved. There’s no reason the remake has to be an entirely serious film, however. The original Rear Window had plenty of light hearted moments mixed in with the drama and suspense.
Let's also keep the half naked dancing woman.
There’s only one director in my mind that could handle the task of having an entire cast of interesting characters while weaving together a truly great story with lots of twists and turns. That man is Wes Anderson. Anderson is already well known for quirky stories with interesting characters. All of his films feature the perfect amount of absurdity in the characters mixed with a serious tone. The Royal Tenenbaums is a perfect example of how he can take a group of people, give them all their own interesting back stories, and put them all together in a coherent and moving film. With Anderson at the helm the choice for actors is pretty easy. He’ll use his usual cast. I say put Jason Schwartzman in the lead role. His portrayal of Jonathan Ames on Bored To Death is the perfect type of character for a Rear Window remake, and he absolutely nails that role. The female lead is a little trickier. Anderson doesn’t really have a go to girl that fits the age or part, plus you need to match the stunning beauty and personality of one of the greatest actresses to appear on screen, Grace Kelly.
If I had a time machine, we could be together...
The only real option to match Kelly would be Scarlett Johansson, the second most beautiful woman ever. I’d also love to see the killer portrayed by Bill Murray. I think that would be fun, and I want to see him in a darker role. I think his natural goofiness would work well with all the doubt and mystery flying around.
Rear Window is a gem, but who says gems can’t be recreated? Well, science I think, but to hell with that, this is the movies! Anything is possible (except making Katherine Heigl look attractive). With that in mind I think that a Wes Anderson version of Rear Window would do fantastic. I know I’d buy a ticket, and I’m betting a lot of you would agree. Let me know in the comment section below.
Justin Proper is really busy chopping wood for winter to keep warm. He has a steam powered computer and lives in the woods with his pet bear Rupert. You can follow him on Twitter, here.
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“Disturbia.” If you mentioned this film as a remake of Rear Window, as it is, it would’ve gotten the message across. I mean, let’s be real, as much as we would like it if everyone knew Hitchcock films, they don’t, but LaBeauf was in that one, so people know it.
It also would’ve done well to mention it simply on the basis that it’s a good example of what not to do. Don’t take a high concept murder mystery and dumb it down for teens! Keep it high concept, keep it adult oriented, and don’t pander to idiots.
So yeah…I agree with everything except Johanson. She’s pretty, sure, but she doesn’t have the overall presence that Grace Kelly did. I always think of Natalie Portman for parts like that.
I agree with you “the enigma” but I do not agree with Natalie Portman playing that role. If you know Hitchcock you know he was obsessed with making women with blonde hair the lead roles in his movies. If you are going to remake a Hitchcock that is a must. And “Disturbia” was a poor excuse for a remake of “Rear Window. Just the same as “Eagle Eye” was based off of Hitchcock’s famous “North by Northwest.”
I remember that Simpsons episode! But I’m pretty sure Strangers on a Train is stolen more. Pretty much every procedural drama has an episode based on two people with only one connection killing for each other. But I bet this remake would be sweet. Another actress I thought of for the lead would be Anna Farris. Sure she’s done pretty much just comedy, but I think that a slight comedic edge is needed for the female lead. Plus she’s a hot blonde. ^.^ I bet the porno version of this would be awesome.
I refuse to acknowledge movies featuring LaBeauf after IJ4:Indy Rapes Your Memory. Thanks Hitchcock fan for pointing out why Portman doesn’t work.
Eh. The blonde leading lady is a poor reason to shut out anyone for a role, because it’s just not important. Sure, Hitchcock liked doing it, but the man’s soft spot for blondes shouldn’t be at the forefront. You should always think of people who could capture the essence of the character, not whether or not they’re willing to bleach their hair.
Not to mention it wouldn’t be Hitchcock directing the remake. If someone remade a movie by Michael Bay would they have to make half the movie CGI and the other half explosions?