Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop (Week 27)


Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

“On my mind” -dude with a small dick and a shitty band

About 8 months ago I was partying pretty hard at my friends house after we played a pro wrestling event. Things got crazy and we started wrestling in the house, beating the shit out of each other with household items. Eventually I had a shirt but no pants on and and we were wrestling in the cold shower. Pretty normal stuff.

We video taped this, and put a video online a few weeks after. I thought it was great. It had to go on Vimeo because of the amount of penis in the video, among other things. At the same time I submitted a very funny picture of my flaccid penis to isanyoneup. It was not accepted.

Fast forward 7 months, I wake up to like 30 text messages telling me my wish had finally come true. The odd thing was that it was not the picture I submitted. Someone screen capped our video and submitted it. Who does that 7 months later? Just so happened to be on the same day my album was finally released after 3 years of label and legal battling. But the album was quite overshadowed by the picture of my flaccid penis on the front page of the revenge porn site.

I probably lost a lot of future girlfriends over it. Instantly girls i was texting stopped texting me. A bunch of little girls tweeted me telling me that they would never listen to my band again. Guess what? Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Justin Beiber, Hercules, your dog, Deepak Chopra, Ghandi, The Fonze and everyone ever has a penis. It’s not like it was a picture of me jerking it to my iPhone. I was just partying the best I could. Give me a break America!

Part of me wanted to redeem myself because of the nature of the cold shower picture gave me a less than impressive photo of my penis. But I have decided that my penis legacy has been decided, and I do not want to change it’s destiny. But man, I got a lot of double takes this weekend. Next time my pants come off at a party, I’ll start jerking it in case anyone takes a picture? Lesson learned?

Mr. Jayce

James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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