How Bad Is It?! “Underworld: Awakening”

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Head of the UTG film department and mastermind behind Reasonable Remakes, Justin Proper has brought us another new column. Ladies and gentleman, allow us to introduce you to: How Bad Is It?

Movies are the number one source of entertainment according to a statistic I just made up. Everyone loves going to the movies. It’s a standard date night, and has helped millions of teens awkwardly hold hands in the dark. Movies are a great escape from reality, and help people relieve the stress of their lives. Unfortunately every once in a while a movie gets released that ruins the experience…

Before Twilight pussified the vampire genre, there was a series of films that came out every three years that had vampires fighting werewolves (referred to as “lycans”). These movies were not PG-13 love stories that made 14 year olds leave the seats wet at theaters, they were ballsy action movies with plenty of gore and a really hot chick in tight leather. They were cinematic viagra pills for the male audience, and I loved them. So, of course, last night I headed to my local movie house, bought some candy because I am five years old, and got my ticket to see Underworld: Awakening in hopes of something finally letting me forget that vampires fighting werewolves used to be cool instead of little girl fantasy material. The theater darkened and the movie started, but honestly ninety minutes later I wish I would have spent my money on something else.

The Movie

Let me start out by saying I did not see this in 3D. I refuse to waste money on post-production 3D that is only added to make extra money. Underworld: Awakening opens with a recap of the first two movies of the franchise (because, seriously, fuck that third movie) then reveals that now the humans are aware of the existence of the vampires and lycans. The humans start a “purge” to eradicate the two species, forcing them to go in to hiding. Hot vampire in leather (Kate Beckinsale) gets captured and frozen, then we skip to 12 years later. She gets defrosted and escapes with this little girl that is apparently her daughter, and also a hybrid vampire/lycan. The rest of the film is hot chick and little girl trying to get away or saving each other or fighting lycans. Oh, also, there is a super-lycan that is a really big version of the creatures that is sort of immune to silver. Critics so far have had mixed reactions to the film, and everyone in my theater seemed to like the movie well enough, but I have to disagree.

This shot is literally 70% of the movie.

How Bad Is It?

The opening stuff is cool enough. The set up with the purge of the vampires and lycans is a great idea. Unfortunately they stop that plot line pretty early on, making it seem like an afterthought. What could have been a great focus for the film just got sprinkled in as needed, leaving you wondering why they even bothered with that plot set up in the first place. Hot vampire getting defrosted and escaping felt way to much like a Resident Evil movie. They just ripped off that whole concept of the main hero escaping something and being naked in a science lab type place and then fighting her way out.

Pictured: Alice...er...Selena. Yeah, Selena.

The hot vampire and her daughter can see through each others eyes, and apparently hybrid vampire/lycans have serious vision issues. Every time we see through the little girls eyes it’s blurry and confusing. Quite frankly I don’t know how she survives without falling down stairs all the time. While we’re on the topic of things that do not look good, the lycans in this movie look atrocious. There is a sequence where a few lycans are chasing hot vampire (who is driving a van) and the fully CGI lycans jumping from speeding car to speeding car look faker than Dolly Parton’s face.

Jurassic Park looked better than this, and that was released in 1993.

The biggest complaint I have with the movie is the plot. They tried so hard to shove so much story down our throats that none of it had room to breathe. I found myself asking who the antagonist was the entire ninety minutes. Was it the humans? Was it the lycans? Was it the giant super-lycan? Is it the vampires again? Who the fuck is the bad guy here? If the writers had focused on just one struggle instead of thirty this movie could have been decent. Instead what we got was a confusing story with pretty ok fights, lots of gore, and a hot girl in tight leather. I guess Underworld: Awakening will probably do alright, it is definitely going to get the male demographic to cough up some bucks.

Kate Beckinsale: Keeping the Underworld franchise alive since 2003.

So how bad was Underworld Awakening? It was so bad it made me lose any faith in a franchise I used to enjoy, and yes, there will be another sequel.

 

Justin Proper doesn’t understand why the government is trying to ban soap. For real, that shit keeps you clean, what is the problem? You can follow him on twitter.

 

 

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  • Ghost

    your a twat! this movie was bad ass! better than the second one and as good if not better than the others. learn how to watch a movie with enjoyment… people these days don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground…
    really, if anyone thinking about seeing this movie i would recommend it. it did have its moments of wtf’s? but it was still worth it. it was fun and exciting and left me to wonder what was going to happen in the next one. i am hoping they will explain a bit more, cus yes it was confusing at moments, where things could have been added or not put in at all. but look at the movies we have to watch today…they are shit! this is a good movie compared to what we have had the last several months. the movie left me wondering but i was not disappointed.

  • the enigma

    I like how you call him a “twat” for not liking the movie, but then saying that the people who do don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. Classy stuff right there.

  • the enigma

    I never had hope for this. Not when I literally laughed through most of the second installment (a helicopter crashes through a damn cavern and a vampire’s body thrown into it is what stops the rotor?). It’s sad. They had a really good first film and it all went downhill…

  • this movie was epic and compared to twat light i was glad to see some fur and fangs really fighting . this guy writing is a fool and if he really wanted a great movie maybe he should be a writer and make a plot  . cring about there only being fights and not knowning who the bad guy is … well fool she was asleep for 12 years so how the hell are we going to know whats going on . i can’t wait for the next one :) the fact that we get to watch the main actors grow is cool

  • Nice article about Twatt! interesting post.

  • I really like this actress, and a very good blog.
    Thanks for sharing.

  • ASKJDOG

    This movie is sell out crap! Very disappointed, but who can blame Kate for making a quick buck, she’s no great actress.

  • Pdiddy

    The entire plot was unnecessary. It lacked the stability, the drama and the decent character development the former movies possessed – including the suckish prequel. And while it certainly wasn’t downright awful, it jumped about too much and, overall the bare minimum happened. In short – it was unnecessary. And, for a movie that revolved around the entity that was the hybrid-spawn – we saw next to nothing of her and what she contributed was severely lacking.

    It was poorly done, there was no focus, the characters were forgettable and the ‘cliffhanger’ (if you can call it that) was obviously a desperate, last-ditch attempt at yet ANOTHER sequel – which drove the final nail into my coffin. Just like the intro, the Underworld franchise is obviously going down the Resident Evil route – make one decent movie and then proceed to spoil it with crappy sequels until all the original fans have been completely let down and turned off.

    When you’re a true fan (as I am) then you’re wise, intelligent and
    mature enough to admit when your favoured franchise has overstepped its
    boundaries. End of story.

  • fyrbane

    Ghost’ you don’t know what your talking about. This was by far the weakest of the underworld series by a margin. The Lycans GGI is poor, the story poor and the vampires are utter wimps- what a copout. It is little more than a shooting fest and how many bullets does selene’s pistols have- do NOT insult our intelligence with this drivel. Selene is now supposed to be this super powerful vampire but you would hardly know it. Rarely do you see her fangs or her making proper use of them and her eyes are a different colour now. No my friends this falls well short of the mark. But don’t take my word for it just read the reviews on the net.Most agree that this is NOT the film it should have been. In general this film was not as well recieved around the world as the previous adaptions, so for the next one things must improve greatly.