February 6th, 2012 
Dane Sager 
What The Film?! is a weekly column exclusive to Under The Gun Review that brings to light the plot holes Hollywood hoped you’d never notice. Written by comedy writer Dane Sager, this column shows no mercy to films that try and pull the proverbial wool over our eyes.
If you know a film with major plot holes that you feel needs to be exposed, tell us! Email utgjames@gmail.com with the subject “What The Film” and we’ll try to get your suggestion featured on the site.
This Week’s Movie: 1995’s Congo
Michael Crichton is one of my favorite authors of all time, I’ve read almost all of his books more than once. I genuinely feel that in the long run he will go down as a classic Science Fiction writer, in the same vein as HG Wells, Jules Verne, Robert Heinlein, Issac Asimov, Ray Bradbury, or RL Stein. In fact, the usual sadness that comes to one when you complete a good book is actually being replaced by my excitement to read his new book when I finish my current book.
Shut up, It still counts.
I read Congo when I was 15. When I was a freshmen in high school, I was told by one of my best friends to read Michael Crichton’s Timeline. I loved it so much that to this day, Timeline is still my favorite book of all time. It caused me to seek out more and more of Crichton’s work, reading every book of his I could find. Once I finished all his books, I decided to watch the movie versions, but after the perfection of 1993’s Jurassic Park, everything else was a major disappointment.
I was going to put a picture of the worst Crichton adaptation, but then I realized Congo was it.
The movie begins in the Central African state of The Democratic Republic of Congo (then known as Zaire), where we are introduced to several scientists. The lead scientist is played by none other than Michigan native and current Burn Notice star Bruce Campbell. If you’re from Michigan, you are automatically and geographically configured to love Bruce Campbell. If you don’t love Bruce Campbell, you need to check your birth certificate.
There might be other people on Burn Notice, I don't know, they're not important.
Bruce Campbell is currently working for TraviCom, a communications company who’s looking for flawless diamonds in the jungles of Congo for a “communications laser” (which Google shockingly tells me is a real thing). After finding an old mine filled with the flawless diamonds the company needs, the team is promptly murdered by gorillas. TraviCom decides to send in another team to see if there were any survivors and more importantly, get those diamonds.
The rescue team consists of former CIA agent and TraviCom employee Dr. Karen Ross, a primatologist Dr. Peter Elliot, his assistant Richard, a sign language speaking Gorilla named Amy, a crazy philanthropist Herkermer Homolka, and a guide; Captain Munro Kelly. While on the plane to Africa, Dr. Elliot gives Amy liquor to calm her down. Because booze is exactly what you want to give to a panicking gorilla. As it turns out, their plane accidentally lands in Far Cry 2. Wait, is that what parts of Africa are really like? That’s terrible. Oh, I guess they did land in Congo then.
Damn, and I just sold this game yesterday.
While the plot on the whole isn’t bad, it’s just executed very poorly. Each chance problem the team encounters seems more poorly executed than the prior. Constant regime change, crazy freedom fighters who seem to liberate their country by killing everything living in it, racist cannibal natives, the rubber snake was laughably bad, hippo attacks, murdering gorillas, among many others. 1995’s Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls treated Africa with more respect than this movie. Common faults include horrible gorilla costumes, killing Bruce Campbell in the first 5 minutes, bad writing, bad acting (Tim Curry hams it up on a level not thought possible), and what seems like intentional racism; it’s as if the entire movie screwed up on every level that they could possibly screw up. Was this movie created on a dare? The very first scene where they encounter the killer gorillas has the production values and directorial skill of an episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark? Although the scene where they use a flare gun to confuse rockets being fired upon their plane was pretty cool.
MacGyvering solutions is always cool, even when the movie isn't.
I loved the Congo book. I loved most of Michael Crichton’s books except a rare few. Outside of how horribly executed the Congo movie adaptation was, one of its fatal sins was its ending. It was as if the screenwriter read half the book and said “Know what? This is a good place for the movie to end.”. Towards the end of the movie (which is only about halfway through the book), the screenwriter ended up painting the leads into a corner. They were faced with horrible odds and were clearly going to die. Instead of following the book’s much more superior plot, pacing, and execution, he had Dr. Ross pull out a laser gun and murder the gorillas. “Time to put them on the endangered species list!” she shouts. There needs to be a colloquialism in there, like “Cook the Apes” should be synonymous with “jump the shark”, “nuke the fridge” or “bomb the oven”, a descriptor to fit any moment that takes you out of the movie with the sheer retardation of what’s going on.
Any movie that starts with the death of Bruce Campbell isn't worth watching.
Dane thinks you need a haircut and should call your mom more often. You can follow him on Twitter or Tumblr!
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