March 8th, 2012 
James Shotwell 
Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop is the most outlandish column on UTG. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.
WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.
When I was much younger, the only thing in the world I wanted to do was to become a professional wrestler. I knew the matches were planned, the characters were made up and the life probably wasn’t very glamorous. It just seemed like a life I wanted to live.
As I grew older (unfortunately not any taller) the dream of being a pro-wrestler seemed to be a little unrealistic. I mentally traded in my boots and tights for a pair of drumsticks. The more I grew into music, the further I grew from the squared circle. It wasn’t until years later where I would randomly get a chance to be a part of the action.
While playing a free show at a local area mall, I met a young local professional wrestler who was a big fan of my band. I’m not sure if you have ever heard my band, but the music is a pretty unlikely match for the general attitude of wrestling. I was caught by surprise but very flattered. We loosely kept in touch via Facebook after that, and one day he asked me if he could use one of my songs as his entrance music for a new gimmick he was trying out. I obviously said yes, and was pretty excited that I could have a small part of something I loved so much. I couldn’t believe that somehow music had given me this opportunity.
Months went by and I had kind of forgotten about the whole thing, when he messages me and asked to meet up in town. My drummer and I met up with him at Panera Bread and soon we were discussing playing that song live at his big pay-per-view event coming up. It was like a dream come true and I counted the days until I would get to play my silly song in front of a sold out crowd of rowdy wrestling fans.
Being at the event was very surreal. I got to go in the locker room and meet 4 people I had action figures of growing up. They were all very polite and interested in my life, which I thought was just crazy. While in the locker room we discussed what we were going to do for the match, because we wanted it to be cooler than just our band playing a song on the side of the stage. After all, it was pro-wrestler so people were expecting the unexpected.
The plan was to begin playing the entrance music, and then be interrupted by the bad guys. They would make fun of us and kinda knock around our gear. We would run away scared because we are pussies, and the match would be underway.
As we waited on stage for about 1.5 minutes as some technical difficulties were fixed, the crowd chanting “this is boring” at me, which seemed very appropriate. We began to play, and as discussed were interrupted by the very scary bad guys. I ran up the stairs, and watched in actual horror as the duo kicked a hole through the bass drum and picked up my telecaster. This near 7 foot 350lb man held my telecaster over his head and smashed it to pieces on the entrance ramp. I was actually more impressed than upset. It was a moment I will never forget and probably cherish much more than I will ever cherish playing that guitar.
The match continued and our tag team lost the bout due to outside interference, but in general I think the match was a win. I also got to see my friend get powerbombed through a table. I realized it was nice to live vicariously through him, and not to have to be personally thrown through a table. Although if they would have asked me to be thrown through a table, I would have said yes.
As the night went on, the event ended up being large national news because of a famous wrestler being incredibly inebriated in the ring. It was covered by TMZ and wrestling fan sites all over the world. It was difficult to watch, but so entertaining at the same time. As I looked around and saw the other wrestlers watch with the same concern but also sense of entertainment, it hit me. Wrestlers, musicians, and all other entertainers are people first before they are entertainers. They all go through the same problems and all live lives just like everybody else. But on this day, I wasn’t disappointed in my heroes for once. I was proud to say that my heroes growing up were extremely nice and normal people just trying to put on a good show. Anyone who lives to make total strangers happy will always be a hero to me. Especially if that involves getting smacked in the head with a baseball bat covered in barbed wire.
Mr. Jayce
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