What The Film?! is a weekly column exclusive to Under The Gun Review that brings to light the plot holes Hollywood hoped you’d never notice. Written by comedy writer Dane Sager, this column shows no mercy to films that try and pull the proverbial wool over our eyes.

If you know a film with major plot holes that you feel needs to be exposed, tell us! Email utgjames@gmail.com with the subject “What The Film” and we’ll try to get your suggestion featured on the site.

This Week’s Movie: 1991’s Cool as Ice

Who remembers the 1990s? That awkward decade that couldn’t decide if it wanted to be known for good music or awful music. Its sense of style was blurred between hobos and the neon colors of the 1980s where everyone dressed up to look like Superman ice cream. 1991 was just the start of the 1990s, despite its attempts at awesome (Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Beauty and the Beast, The Silence of the Lambs, Bill & Ted), this year firmly put its first leg into suck.

So where's the Limp Bizkit movie?

Cool as Ice, the movie so bad that they had to name the movie after its only gimmick, the future punchline Vanilla Ice. The movie begins in a warehouse/dance party/mass shower/rave/rap battle where Ice rains down rhymes and dances like a marionette whose puppet master is having a seizure. I am actually ashamed to say that while this song over the intro credits is awful, drawn out, and annoying, Vanilla’s rhymes aren’t that bad. He does, however, look like he’s wearing a circus tent that has been attacked by several hundred paintball guns.

Vanilla Ice then takes his motorcycle and attempts to seduce a horse riding girl by scaring her horse into throwing her, almost trampling her. He follows this up by flirting with her by being misogynistic and aggressively sexist. His character Johnny isn’t like how in old books everyone had a little racism to them and you had to just accept it, Johnny is at Duke Nukem levels of misogynistic retardation. His failed seduction is followed by a montage of shocked people staring at Johnny’s gang as it drives through town.

“Uh oh, I didn't know the disabled could drive”

After this, Johnny shows up at the horse riding girl’s house, who is currently with her boyfriend. After finding out her name (Kathy), he tells her several poetic pieces of advice such as “Drop that zero and get with a hero” and repeatedly calling her boyfriend a dick. Her boyfriend reacts like a normal human being to his ridiculousness, but Kathy laughs, finding this walking punchline charming. During this, Johnny steals her pocketbook, containing all her information. Kathy discovers this later on and finds it to be delightful, reflecting on her square boyfriend (who is the only normal person in this movie).

Johnny hunts down Kathy at a local bar, where he literally steals the show by hijacking the stage where a local band is playing where he promptly raps over music that appears for no reason (since he unplugged everyone’s amps). There are many cutaways to people acting shocked to this, having never experienced such feats. Kathy gets incredibly turned on by this, where her boyfriend becomes controlling. He literally tells her that he wish she was drunk so her actions were excusable.

“Uh oh, I didn't know the disabled could... Actually, I have no idea what he's doing.”

It’s revealed that Kathy’s father is in witness protection, her entire family is in danger. They then go on television to interview Kathy, due to her scholarship and her high ambitions, revealing their new name, home, and everything on camera. They corrupt police officers they’re in hiding from promptly wait outside their house, not even hiding. 

Kathy’s fight with her boyfriend results in her walking how, where Johnny picks her up on his motorcycle without asking. He shows up, yells at her to get on the bike, and then physically forces her on the bike before riding off with her. Kathy again finds it charming, rather than illegal. Johnny drops her off and returns to the bar where he finds her boyfriend and his friends destroying what he thinks is Johnny’s motorcycle. Johnny promptly beats everyone up in a horribly choreographed fight sequence.

Where he then finishes the scene by staring into the camera.

The next morning, Kathy wakes up to Johnny putting ice in her mouth. He broke into her house and watched her sleep and she finds this further illegality alluring, rather than absolutely terrifying. She then promptly tries to have sex with him, which is interrupted by her younger brother. Let this be a lesson for for everyone out there, abducting a girl and then breaking into her house in the middle of the night is how to get laid (wait, didn’t all of that happen in the first Twilight movie?).

He then takes Kathy to the romantic location of a construction yard where he throws together a bunch of words that don’t really make sense, but are supposed to sound deep. He speaks like a 14 year old who had recently discovered Nietzsche, but still takes most of his philosophy lessons from Rancid albums. Kathy is fully seduced at this point and they make out. Let me tell you this, if there is one thing that Vanilla Ice is really good at, it’s ruining takes by looking into the camera at the end of almost every take.

Kathy’s father is under the impression that Johnny is with the corrupt police officers trying to hunt him down and forbids her from seeing him. He informs Kathy that Johnny put her boyfriend in the hospital, and Kathy experiences mild annoyance, as if she briefly lost her keys. The most frightening part about Johnny’s crazy stalking is that he’s able to find her home, phone number, where she likes to hang out, almost everything without the internet.

Kathy woke up to find this in her bedroom. She found this attractive.

Johnny and Kathy have an intense conversation where he tries to regain her trust by telling her “you don’t know me, you don’t know me at all”. It goes over as well as you’d think and they spend an indeterminable amount of time apart, portrayed as a montage where Kathy looks sad and Johnny tries his hardest trying to look reflective and introspective. Have you ever wanted to know what Vanilla Ice’s thoughtful face looks like?

It looks just like his face when farting.

Once Johnny decides to let go of Kathy and leave, the corrupt cops return (despite saying that they’d be back “tomorrow” what could have been several weeks ago) and abduct Kathy’s brother Tommy. Kathy’s parents are under the impression that Johnny abducted Tommy. Kathy believes that he didn’t despite all evidence saying otherwise and Johnny’s prior insistence that she “doesn’t know him”. She decides to find Johnny herself, who discovers that Tommy is being held at the construction yard earlier they visited earlier in the movie. Who hides a captive at a construction yard? People would be there working every day. These corrupt cops are almost as inept as Johnny and are promptly taken care of.

Johnny returns the boy to Kathy’s parents with the corrupt police officers tied up. Despite absolutely no evidence saying he wasn’t involved in the kidnapping (and lots of evidences saying he was), he’s free to go. Kathy decides that her college life may not be the life she wants and rides off with Johnny on his motorcycle, okay with the knowledge that he’ll probably take naked pictures of her and send them to biker magazines, but damn it, this is the life she wants now.

“I will never regret this decision”

Dane is actually upset that this wasn’t followed by a Limp Bizkit staring sequel. You can follow him on Tumblr and Twitter.

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Dane Sager

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