Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop (Week 39)


Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop is the most outlandish column on UTG. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

I’ve stayed at some pretty insane houses. When I was in full touring mode I always refused to get a hotel. That would leave us with the option of either sleeping in our 7 passenger van or finding a place to stay. Through MySpace, Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr I almost always found a place to crash. Even if I didn’t know anything about the person I would take my chances and save the $60 or however much a hotel room costs. Sometimes it worked out great. It was even easier when I was by myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful of all places I have been given to sleep, no matter how shitty they may have been. Some nights I wish I just stayed in my van or spent the $60 though.

Every once in a while things would get really weird. One of the weirdest I can recall was on a really bad tour. The shows were awful and we had a lot of people in the van so we couldn’t sleep in it. We stopped at a girl’s house who we had met at the show. She seemed pretty normal and kind of cute so we were glad to be staying there.

Okay this story is kind of messed up. Now that you have been given fair warning, I will share as much detail as I feel like I am capable. This girl was crazy. Really into nerd stuff. Video games, toys, stuffed animals, mountain dew, potato chips. Super straight edge. But you know, I can learn to celebrate anyone’s lifestyle for a night for a free warm place to stay.

Things just didn’t seem right. I can’t remember why but we were kind of imprisoned to the basement. I think there was a mean dog upstairs. The basement was somewhat dungeon-like. Black painted walls with some cryptic writing on them. A few band posters, probably a Linkin Park one. The walls lined with collectible figurines and soda bottles.

We were left downstairs while she went upstairs to watch tv with her family, which was kind of strange. She wrote her number on a table (literally on the table) in case we needed anything, so we started texting her crazy things. We were asking for pizza and telling her we were downstairs taking all of her action figures out of the boxes. My drummer also he claimed he drank all of her collectible mountain dew bottles.

When we rummaged through her mini fridge, we found a buffet of prescription medicine, so the straight edge thing started to make sense. As time went by she stopped watching tv and came downstairs and everyone was just about ready for bed.

Two members of my band were in her bed while I was on her couch and a couple people were on the floor. She got in her bed with my two band members and things started to get weird. It’s pitch black and I can hear a lot of giggling. Everyone decides to only talk via text and absolutely no talking. So every 10 seconds you can hear a buzz of a phone, followed by giggling. I can tell something funny is happening on the bed and I get a text from this girl saying “save me”.

As I debate my options, I decide the funniest and most valiant thing I could do was literally go pick her up in my arms and carry her back to the couch. I go and rip her from my band mates and carry her back to the couch and we immediately start making out. I would say she was the aggressor in mouth situation though.

As we are making out she keeps taking breaks to text. Curiously I check out who she’s talking to, and she is texting my drummer to come “save her”. Then she texted each of us asking “who wants me more?”. Kind of disturbing.

At this point we have all started laughing and are talking to each other out loud, while she remains completely serious. I tell her that she is crazy and she gets really offended and goes back into her bed with my other band members.

Now we are all hysterically laughing out loud until its about time for us to leave and head to the next show. We get in the van and start discussing how bizarre the night was and decide we are never going back there or talking to that girl again.

At the end of the tour I flew out to LA while the rest of the band drove the van back to New York from Florida.

They stopped at her house on the way back.

Mr. Jayce

James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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