April 23rd, 2012 
Dane Sager 
What The Film?! is a weekly column exclusive to Under The Gun Review that brings to light the plot holes Hollywood hoped you’d never notice. Written by comedy writer Dane Sager, this column shows no mercy to films that try and pull the proverbial wool over our eyes.
If you know a film with major plot holes that you feel needs to be exposed, tell us! Email utgjames@gmail.com with the subject “What The Film” and we’ll try to get your suggestion featured on the site.
This Week’s Movie: 2003’s Jeepers Creepers 2: Creep Harder
I recently did a What The Film?! on 2001’s Jeepers Creepers a few weeks ago, and it was just as bad as you would a movie made by a pedophile would be. I promptly went out to purchase Jeepers Creepers 2 (as it didn’t happen to be streaming). Does Jeepers Creepers 2 improve upon the horrible foundation set up in Jeepers Creepers 1 or is the house of Jeepers just as horribly made as its basement?
“It's a metaphor, fool.”
The movie starts almost immediately after the original movie ended. A small boy is helping his father with setting up scarecrows, because some horrible parent actually thought it was okay to put their child in a movie directed by a convicted pedophile who went to jail for molesting a child actor in one of his movies. Way to go, guys! The Creeper, disguised as scarecrow, attacks the small boy and flies away with him in front of the father.
Shaun Fleming went on to star in “Bubbleboy: The Musical”, which is actually a step up from this.
The Creeper then slashes the tires of a school bus filled a high school basketball team (filled with mostly shirtless teen boys) that is heading home after winning ‘the big game’. It is really hard to not see this through the context of being written and directed by a pedophile who molested a young boy, but these aren’t even undertones. This movie has more homosexual vibes than 2004’s Flight of the Phoenix and there is a scene in Flight of the Phoenix where several shirtless guys work out and rub oil on each other to “Hey Ya”.
The team decides to keep driving with slashed tires late into the night, where another tire is slashed by The Creeper. Both tires were slashed by The Creeper’s homemade flesh shurikens. The Bus Driver opens up her emergency box to get out flares to put on the road. When mocked about having flares, she retorts with “Everything in this box has saved my ass at least once”. What possible excitement can a school bus driver have where their ass was in need of saving multiple times? In the world of Jeepers Creepers, a bus driver has a life as important and dangerous as 2008’s The Hurt Locker. While setting up the flares, every adult is promptly killed off. After seeing every adult get killed by a flying monster, the teens decide to wait it out in the bus, hoping someone will show up, rather than to drive on the rims. “What, on the rims?” one of the students replies when someone suggests they try to drive the bus.
“Guys, that could damage the rims and who knows how much bus tires cost.”
Jeepers Creepers 1 wisely decided to not show The Creeper often, possibly as an homage to Jaws, more likely because of how absolutely atrocious the monster looked. This plan gets thrown out the out movie, showing The Creeper constantly, including one scene where I’m pretty sure that The Creeper climaxes while licking the windshield of the bus. The makeup looks marginally worse than the cheapest costumes at a Holloween Store.
Justin Long’s character from the last movie comes back as a ghost in a cheerleader’s dream to warn her about The Creeper. This is where all the exposition of The Creeper is in this movie (he’s a demon that shows up every 23 years to eat people). While this is happening, the father of the boy abducted in the beginning is hunting down The Creeper to avenge his son. After a brief radio conversation between the father and the bus, the bus is then attacked by The Creeper again. In this scene one of the Cheerleaders throws a Javelin through his The Creeper’s face, which causes him to lose about a third of his skull, and then falls to the floor limp, appearing to be dead. When someone gets close to The Creeper to investigate, he is immediately killed, The Creeper taking the boy’s head to replace his now damaged head. He also takes the clothes off this teenage boy for absolutely no reason, and then flies away.
I swear to God, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.
The father from earlier ends up meeting up with The Creeper and shoots him in the chest with a device that looks like it’s designed to hunt sharks. It seriously looks like the fishing pole Quint uses in Jaws had a baby with an anti-aircraft gun. The Creeper survives this, destroying the bus and the truck in the process.
The Creeper catches up with three of the teens who had escaped the bus, driving away in a pick up truck. The scene plays like the T-Rex chasing the Jeep in 1993’s Jurassic Park if it was executed by someone who had no idea how to make a movie. Right as The Creeper reaches the truck, the teen driving tells his friend in the bed to “Stay Down” and slams on the breaks, causing the truck to somersault repeatedly through the field (because that’s obviously what happens when you break suddenly and “staying down” when you’re laying in the bed of the truck is exactly what would keep you alive in this situation). The teens survive.
Another possible Jurassic Park reference.
The father then shows up and stabs The Creeper’s incapacitated body a comically high amount of times. The Creeper then curls up inside a cocoon as one of the teens tells the father that it isn’t dead, it’s just hibernating and it will return in another 23 years. The movie ends with a prologue 23 years later, where the father has strung up the hibernating body of The Creeper on a cross as a roadside attraction where people can pay $5 to see it and $10 to take a photo with it. Because when you’ve been through something as traumatic as these people have, you want to make a money making scheme out of it.
“Oh man, oh man, do you guys want to see what killed my son?”
Dane is constantly surprised at how many bad movies he can watch. Does this hurt his well being? You can find out by following him on Twitter and Tumblr!
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- What The Film!? – Armageddon - June 24, 2013
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