Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop (Week 42)

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Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop is the most outlandish column on UTG. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

You would think that people in touring bands would get arrested everyday. I would imagine at some point in every day, someone in every band is doing something illegal. Every once in a while on twitter I see a #freewhoever, but I think everyone would agree that the law doesn’t fight touring bands nearly as hard as it could.

About two years ago, or maybe longer, Young & Divine was playing a really strange radio show in a street during a town festival. They had closed down a street where the gear was set up and also some sort of beer garden. It was a weird vibe. Small town middle America with all the kinds of characters you would imagine. Some young fan girls mixed with townies, drunk adults and juggalos. Not really the ideal setting for this kind of band. It would have been much more ideal for a Journey cover band or something like that.

The show was weird, but radio is a weird thing so no one even really thought twice about it. As we were packing up, a few drunk townies had started to tease us which lead to them pushing the gear and just being obnoxious. I am generally a pretty patient person so I was just going to ignore them and wait until they just went away. Our driver at the time however was not as patient. He’s actually pretty crazy. He goes up to the drunk guys who start a little altercation with him. The police come over and are questioning everyone. Our driver tells the cops “I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to these pussies over here” and they immediately handcuff him and take him to jail.

Meanwhile we are all pretty drunk from drinking free drinks all day, so we decide to walk down to the jail if we can find it and bail him out. In a moment of genius I present my AAA gold card to see if I can bail out my friend with that. Apparently jail doesn’t even take AAA cards? Eventually we figured it out and it was like $200 to get him out of jail.

The next night you would think everyone would chill out, but that wasn’t the case. It got even crazier. After a long Groundhog Day like experience another show was played and another 1,000 free drinks were consumed. Although this day involved a lot more vomit on my end. We went back to the hotel rooms provided by the radio station pretty much immediately after the show. I was ready to pass out but there were a couple girls that were trying to party. One of the girls was really strange and started to act like an insane person. She was screaming at her friend for being in the hotel with another man when she had a boyfriend, and was giving us the whole nine yards. They argued, and the crazy one stole a room key and ran out the door.

At this point it was like 3 in the morning so I just locked the hatch so even with the card, the crazy girl couldn’t get back in. I figured she was probably drunk and would pass out at a gas station somewhere. She came back in about 20 minutes and was pounding on the door and slamming it over and over against the hatch. The whole time screaming at the top of her lungs. I went up to the door and told her she was scaring me and I was going to call someone to take her far away. She just kept screaming, like horror movie screaming, for another 10 minutes. She then brought her rant outside on the phone. At this point most of the hotel is screaming “shut the fuck up!!” out of their windows at this girl as her brain is exploding. Someone notifies the police and eventually she just disappears.

On the road, the police can be your best friends and your worst nightmare. I guess just try to catch them on a good day?

Mr. Jayce

James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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