Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop (Week 44)

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Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop is the most outlandish column on UTG. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

I had a whole plan to write this passionate column about women in the music industry and how disgusting dudes are, but I got sidetracked last night when I got roofied at Cabo Cantina. Oddly enough I have been drugged unknowingly twice in the last year. It’s pretty dumb. Who is spending their hard earned money on randomly drugging me just to watch me go home with my friends?

Halloween this year I went to a party at a friend of a friends house. It was great. They didn’t have a “sluttiest costume contest” like the last Halloween party I went to (a dude won) but there were a lot of babes in little amounts of clothing. It’s kind of ridiculous because it’s so cold in NY on Halloween. I was sitting next to a girl dressed as Pocahontas, but she was cute so the Native American in me was not offended. All the sudden my one beer felt like 50 beers, and it was time to go. I slept it off, no big deal. I wish someone would have told me first before they drugged me so I could have prepared myself. Maybe bought some Gatorade and some Tylenol.

Last night was kind of the same situation. I ordered a giant margarita, but the restaurant was the kind of place that has premixed drinks. So your margarita is basically water, ice, bad flavoring, and some undisclosed amount of tequila. I drank the drink and then some suspicious girls asked if they could sit in our booth. They said they ordered the wrong drinks and offered their shots of tequila to us. I should have questioned it, but the broke-ass in me was like hell yeah I’ll drink those free drinks. Should have figured that nothing in life was free. This is why i’m so against free drinks. They just cant be trusted. If you were like “Jayce, the bar has free drinks tonight, do you wanna go?” I would always deny you. However if the bar has drinks for fifty cents, i’ll be there yesterday.

I definitely paid a price for that drink. I paid in stomach aches and bizarre text messages to girls who probably won’t like me anymore. Oh well! But seriously guys and girls of the world… please stop drugging and me drug yourself. I feel like it would be a better investment of your time and money. I’ll be back next week and write a real column, granted some idiot doesn’t drug me again. I’m sorry guys.

Mr. Jayce

James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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