Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop is the most outlandish column on UTG. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

The summer is here, which means it is time for summer concerts/festivals. To be honest the summer is really the only time of the year I find time to go see live music. I enjoy the outdoor concert vibe. The venue by my house always gets the best summer tours, but they also get my least favorite event of all time, which is a Dave Matthews Band concert. Closely rivaled by by Phish, who plays within a month of Dave Matthews. Woo hoo.

The majority of people I know from my area will tell you that the time they drank and got the most sick was at a Dave Matthews band event. It’s a big deal to go see this guy play with his Guitar Center sounding jam band for 4 hours and play beer pong in the parking lot. For all the high school girls who don’t play beer pong, there is always the plastic bottle of vodka they had their cousin buy them. Tye dye and listening to Dave Matthews in the parking lot of his own show have never really attracted me. Everyone has always begged me to go saying that I don’t understand because I haven’t been, but I don’t see what I would possibly like about this. Maybe the consumption of alcohol?

I fully understand what goes on, I just prefer events that are a little less rapey. Girls get out of control wasted in their inappropriate outfits, then the frat guys sweep in. I can’t imagine how Dave Matthews feels about being the the leader of this culture. He is the Hitler of the Birkenstock Army. He empowers people to commit all sorts of crimes in fashion as well as a staggering number of DWIs each year. He also plays for two days, which means my entire town is on a two day pseudo-hippie bender. Don’t forget there’s always a chance he’s going to head to the nearest bridge and literally dump his shit onto people.

I am the only person who does not find any appeal whatsoever in this area of the music industry? Maybe it’s worse here because I live by Vermont, home of the “tye-dye-Ben-&-Jerry’s-Subaru-life- is-good” commune.

This summer I will not be “going to Dave”, in fact I will be leaving town just in time to miss him. I will however be catching the Beach Boys. Sounds like a tye-dye free event to me.

Mr. Jayce

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James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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