Head of the UTG film department and mastermind behind Reasonable Remakes, Justin Proper has brought us another new column. Ladies and gentleman, allow us to introduce you to: How Bad Is It?

Movies are the number one source of entertainment according to a statistic I just made up. Everyone loves going to the movies. It’s a standard date night, and has helped millions of teens awkwardly hold hands in the dark. Movies are a great escape from reality, and help people relieve the stress of their lives. Unfortunately every once in a while a movie gets released that ruins the experience…

Fairy tales are an interesting thing. They take a world of magic and wonderment and use it to teach children a valuable lesson. Disney capitalized on this early on with movies like Sleeping Beauty and Snow White. Everyone has seen those films, and they usually hold a special place in most peoples hearts. Recently Hollywood has decided to shit all over these treasures and make these tales in to gritty action dramas with dark overtones and scary effects. The latest in this trend is Snow White And The Huntsman which admittedly looked a lot better than most of these reboots from the trailers. As I bought my ticket to see the flick I thought “Hey, maybe Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron will save this from being a bad movie!” but I soon realized that thought was the real fairy tale because Snow White And The Huntsman could not have made me any madder…

A ticket to watch mud become dirt would have been more worth my $7.50.

The Movie

I am sure everyone is familiar with the plot of the original Snow White, but for the sake of any time travelers or aliens (sorry, I have been watching a lot of Doctor Who) I will recap the tale and let you in on how the reboot’s plot is different. The movie starts out completely different than the story we all know. Snow White (Bella from Twilight) is now a princess and her dad (the king) is tricked in to marrying the evil queen (Charlize Theron) after his wife (Twilight‘s mother) dies. Then the evil queen (henceforth just referred to as “The Queen”) murders the king and takes his throne. She imprisons Snow White in a tower and continues on with her evil rule. Eventually The Queen realizes she needs Twilight’s heart and thats when Twilight escapes to the woods. The Queen then calls upon Thor to go get Twilight’s heart, but he’s like “I have to save Asgard!” and The Queen is all “Shut up, Thor, you’re not even a god in this movie!” so Thor goes after Snow White. Blah Blah Blah the forest, some dwarves, The Queen tricks Twilight in to eating a poison apple, there’s a kiss and then Snow White leads a war against The Queen and then murders her and becomes queen of the land. Credits. Pretty much the same story you know, just a little different.

"Don't worry, no one will realize we ripped this scene off from Princess Mononoke."

How Bad Is It?

Where do I start? First off, the whole premise of this movie is based on the fact that K-Stews (as I’m sure her close friends call her) is more attractive than Charlize Theron. I don’t think anyone with working eyeballs would agree with that. Seriously, unless this movie was cast by Stevie Wonder someone in Hollywood should be losing their job over this. Even when Charlize was made to look old and ugly she looked more fuckable than Kristen “I can’t close my mouth” Stewart. Speaking of Stewart, why the hell does she keep getting acting jobs? SHE CAN’T FUCKING ACT!!!! The CGI animals showed more range than she did. I think she showed an emotion other than “confused” once during the entire two hours of the movie.

"This is my acting face!"

While we are on the subject of acting, I am pretty sure Charlize Theron took acting lessons from Nic Cage before this film. She went from zero to batshit insane in less than a second on more than one occasion.

"NOT THE BEES...er...NOT THE SNOW WHITE!!!!"

So the acting was weird at best, who cares, that is not even the most frustrating part of the whole experience. Every ten minutes or so I found myself saying “Wait, what?” because of some plot hole or inconsistency. Why didn’t The Queen just kill Snow White right at the beginning of the movie when she murdered the rest of the people in the castle? She did not know that she would need Snow White to become immortal at this point in the movie, so why was she kept alive? Also, someone mentions that The Queen had done this whole “takeover” thing to other kingdoms. Plural. So why was the king not aware this could have happened to him when the magic army attacked in the first place to set up the seduction that led to his demise? At the end of the movie The Queen disguises herself with magic and tricks Snow White in to eating that poison apple while Snow White is hiding in the forest. If The Queen could find her and poison her this whole time why did she send people to find her in the forest in the first place? She should have just killed her as soon as she escaped and saved the audience from having to endure Kristen Stewart for another hour and a half. The movie just makes no sense if you stop to think about it for even a second.

"Calm down, Charlize, it doesn't have to make sense. This is Hollywood."

So how bad was Snow White And The Huntsman? My throat literally is sore from screaming profanities when I called my friend to tell them about the movie on my way home, and I used to be the “singer” for a metal band.

My face after I watched this movie.

Justin Proper is busy not talking about Fight Club…wait…fuck…does that count as talking about it? You can follow him on Twitter.

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Justin Proper

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