For The Love Of Film is a weekly column from film nerd and lover of all movies Justin Proper. Sometimes you need some help to figure out how to enjoy movies, and we are here to help! No longer will you need to fear movie night because your friends have no taste in film. With this column you will be able to love even the worst gems to ever grace the silver screen.
Now that 2013 is officially here it is time to look forward. 2012 was a great year for great movies, and it was even a great year for not so great movies. 2013 looks to be the same story, but maybe even better. Of course everyone will want to talk about the movies that people will love, but I want to talk about the upcoming movies that most people will hate or overlook. This is what I think will be the best bad movies of 2013.
Texas Chainsaw 3D
This marks the seventh film in the Texas Chainsaw franchise. By the time a franchise reaches it’s seventh installment the magic is usually gone. Very rarely to franchises get better after the first couple (James Bond movies are the exception) and I am willing to bet that Texas Chainsaw 3D will be no exception. There is a very high chance that this movie will suck a lot. Who cares? You still get to see a maniac wearing dead skin masks trying to hack up teenagers. What more could you possibly ask of a movie with chainsaw in the title?
A Good Day To Die Hard
No, not the movie I wrote about the porn star trying to film his last movie before dying of cancer, this is the latest installment of the John McClane series starring Bruce Willis. After seeing the last Die Hard movie it has become clear that whoever is writing these movies has thrown logic and physics right out the window, which is where they belong in an action movie anyways. With a tagline as awesome as “Yippee Ki-Yay Mother Russia” you just know they stopped taking things seriously. This can only mean one thing: this movie will be bad, but it will be so full of action and bad-assery that it will not matter.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation
I did not like the first G.I. Joe movie. Not even a moderate amount. That is okay, though, because the first time I saw the trailer for G.I. Joe: Retaliation I nearly needed to change my pants. First, it is written by the Zombieland writers. Second, Dwayne Johnson and Bruce Willis are in it. So no matter how dumb this movie is, it will still be absolutely worth seeing. Cobra takes over the White House? There is no way that will be anything less than absurd and idiotic, but did you see that fight they have on the cliff? That shit looks AMAZING!
Fast And Furious 6
The Fast and Furious series always baffled me. I get the whole “guys love cars that go fast” thing, despite my preferred method of transportation being a mini-van. Hell, I even appreciate the coolness of cars going fast and sideways at the same time, but I still did not enjoy Tokyo Drift. I got convinced to see Fast Five because The Rock was in it, and I was hoping someone would get The People’s Elbow from the top rope. That did not happen, but that movie ended up being so over the top that it was worth seeing in theaters two more times. Not much is known about Fast And Furious 6, but if the last movie was any indication of what is to come it should be great. In lieu of a trailer or anything, here is The People’s Elbow:
This movie has a tornado full of sharks. Do I really need to say any more? I did not think so.
There you have it, some of the movies I think will go down as the worst (and yet, the best) of 2013. Some honorable mentions include Dracula 3D and Pain & Gain. No matter what else comes out that I overlooked 2013 is shaping up to be a great year for movies, and I cannot wait to see what it has in store.