What The Film!? – Pulp Fiction

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What The Film!? is a weekly column exclusive to Under The Gun Review that brings to light the general fuckery Hollywood hoped you’d never notice. Written by Dane Sager, this column shows no mercy to films that try and pull the proverbial wool over our eyes.

If you know a film with major plot holes or those that make you scratch your eyes out, tell us! Email utgjames@gmail.com with the subject “What The Film” and we’ll try to get your suggestion featured on the site.

I have a confession to make: I have never seen the movie Pulp Fiction. “But Dane,” you say “How is that possible?”. It’s because I was never a teenager. I’m an automated movie hating robot produced in a factory in Southfield, Michigan for the sole purpose of finding problems in things that other people like and pointing them out for liking them. It’s kind of like the movie Terminator, except I’m not made of liquid metal. “Dane, that was Terminator 2” I know that! In the robot world, Terminator is our Old Testament and Terminator 2 is our New Testament. Transformers is our torture porn, which is pretty similar to what humanity sees it as.

Torture. This movie is torture is what I’m getting at.

Now, everyone has been raving about this movie, so I put it on and decided to watch it. My robo-servos were spinning in excitement, this is supposedly one of the greatest movies ever made according to everyone. Everyone is wrong.

The movie doesn’t make any sense! It starts in a robbery in a small diner, only to cut away just as the action starts. We’re then introduced to two hitmen (Jules and Vince) talking about pop culture. No one in movies talks like this! Why would they be so obsessed with pop culture? Who do they think they are, ME?

At this point the movie jumps around, which doesn’t make any sense at all. For being a linear movie, the story structure makes no sense. Vince is killed in one scene and comes back in the next without any reason why or how he was resurrected. How many times have you heard the story about a boxer having to take a dive? Countless times, and the plotline only shows up in like a third of the movie.  The weird pop culture reference dialogue is made even worse by the horrible acting of those in the movie. The only person who was a decent actor was this asshole:

And even he doesn’t look like he wants to be here. Anyone know of anything else this guy is in?

At the very end of the movie, Jules and Vince (who is back from the dead) are in the diner from earlier where the two people from the beginning  decide to rob it again. Like yeah, maybe it worked so well when the camera cut away from the first robbery, but it’s just stupid for them to rob it again. They even start the robbery with the same yell, only mildly different (“I’ll execute every one of your motherfuckers” to “I’ll execute every motherfucking last one of you”). This movie doesn’t make any sense. 

The music is like fifty years old. Like how hard would it be to thrown in some Vanilla Ice or something cool. I mean this movie came out the same year as the vastly superior Baby’s Days Out. Call me old fashioned, but this movie doesn’t have any boobs or explosions. You might as well read a book. It’s ridiculous.

Under The Gun Review: The only website that suggests you watch Baby’s Day Out over Pulp Fiction (albeit in an April Fool’s joke)

Just because it’s April Fool’s Day doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t follow him on Twitter and Tumblr! Or Don’t! Wait, is April Fool’s Day the same as Opposite Day? No? No, it is? I don’t understand

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