April 16th, 2013 
James Shotwell 
Film: Scary Movie 5
Starring: Ashley Tisdale, Simon Rex
Director: Malcolm D Lee
There have been at least a dozen introductions to this review before the one you’re currently reading. I could try and say this is due to the fact that I struggled over which amazing line to lead with, but the honest truth is that I’ve simply found no better way to express that something should be avoided at all costs than to come right out and say it. So, without further ado, Scary Movie 5 is a film you should avoid at all costs. If this message is somehow unclear, or you feel the need for additional insight, please continue reading.
This is one of many scenes that never actually appears in the film.
When I stepped out of a release night screening of
Sarah Hyland offers the film’s only chuckle in an all-too-brief ‘Evil Dead’ sequence
From the very beginning, disaster plagues Scary Movie 5 like the cameras that follow opening scene cast member Lindsay Lohan. The troubled starlet appears alongside Charlie Sheen in the highly promoted scene, and aside from one quick double entendre from Sheen they are both completely wasted (as talent, not literally). The jokes are as old as the headlines both stars inspired back when the scene was probably conceived in early 2012, but the the true firing pistol that a troubled feature is ahead actually comes from a moment where no one speaks a line of dialogue, instead opting to let the Benny Hill theme song do all the work. Yes, this somewhat timeless song is used in one of the most tired comedic ways imaginable as one of the opening jokes, and it sets the bar for everything that follows.
As if with nearly every entry in the franchise, this sequence has little-to-no barring on the events that follow. After a quick on screen description of what happened to Charlie and Lindsay following paranormal events at their home, viewers find themselves wondering through a wooded area with Mac Miller and Snoop Lion (Dogg?). Their presence in the film serves no purpose other than to thicken the paper-thin plot with a few poorly written stoner-related horror jokes uttered via celebrities with albums to promote, and their complete lack of acting abilities reinforces this fact during their multiple, though completely unnecessary, appearances in the film.
You may call it a movie role, but I’m calling it a shameless promotional opportunity. Either way, these guys are not actors.
The meat of Scary Movie 5 revolves around Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex who, in addition to moving into a potentially haunted house while being unable to put down their cameras, find themselves the caretakers of two little girls recently discovered to be living on their own in the woods. This collision of Mama and Paranormal Activity spoofs gives the story an initial boost of intrigue as it would seem to open limitless new avenues for humor, but things simply become too stupid to warrant any care, let alone a laugh. Aside from surface references, most the comedy has nothing to do with the parody angle of the film, relying instead on genital, sex, fecal, or race related humor to fill out the eighty-five minute runtime.
Even Katt Williams at his craziest deserves better than this film.
To its credit, Scary Movie 5 does outshine A Haunted House, as well as the vast majority of parody efforts in recent years with its ability to tell a cohesive story. Even though it’s weaker than 99.98% of all films and cluttered by a few unfortunate (and completely useless) cutaway moments, there is a story being told in this film that works in a typical three-act arc. Being able to pull that off while attempting to be funny while making light of other’s work at the same time can be quite a challenge, but Scary Movie 5 sees things through to their forgettable and pointless conclusion. It may not be a story I ever wish to hear again, but I appreciate the fact someone made the effort to tell a somewhat original story instead of just throwing a few dozen references together and calling it a feature.
^ Prime example of replacing plot with references and calling the results a film.
There are many factors that have lead to this decision, but after viewing both A Haunted House and Scary Movie 5 I feel sense of sadness when I say that I think age of the parody film has come to an end. The digital age has allowed people to parody literally anything that happens in pop culture within minutes of it first occurring (maybe longer if it’s video). Movie production schedules can no compete with this kind of turnaround, and as a result any parody that does get the green light these days feels outdated before it even hits theaters. You think mocking the way the entity in Paranormal Activity teases victims is worthy of a joke? So has literally tens of thousands of people with webcams or home video setups. You want to mock the quick speed of the girls in Mama, or the glitch walk of characters like the evil girl from The Ring? Any teenager with After Effects or a free movie app on their phone can make that happen.
The real question at the end of the day is whether or not there is a need for films like this anymore. On the one hand, there will always be a place in pop culture to celebrate the mockery of pop culture. However, the immediacy of social media and availability of recording equipment has completely changed the parody landscape. Timeliness is next to godliness, as they say, and Scary Movie 5 is proof the studios can no longer compete.
Score: D-
Review written by: James Shotwell
- 2015’s Most Underrated Films - December 29, 2015
- Passing The Torch: The End Of An Era For UTG - December 1, 2015
- UTG PREMIERE: Before The Streetlights – “Private Browser” - November 26, 2015
Posted in 
Tags: 