MOVIE REVIEW: ‘The Final Member’

April 18th, 2014

Kevin Blumeyer

Film: The Final Member
Directors: Jonah Bekhor, Zach Math

“More and more penises kept coming into the house,” Sigurour “Siggy” Hjartarson’s wife said of her husband’s growing habit. “Then it just got out of control.”

No, Siggy wasn’t turning his home into a brothel — he was merely gathering specimens for what would eventually become known as the Icelandic Phallological Museum. The Final Member is a documentary that focuses on Siggy, his museum, and his search for the one penis that has eluded him for nearly 40 years — that of a human being.

You might be wondering how someone even gets the idea to open up a penis museum. It turns out it’s not much different than how anyone else finds their calling — it just sort of happens. I certainly didn’t wake up one morning and decide I wanted to become a writer. These things start out as hobbies and morph into passions, and, eventually, become our careers and obsessions.

In Siggy’s case, he was given his first penis (that of a bull) as a gag gift. That spawned a collection that outgrew his home to the point that his wife almost forced him to open up a museum. The museum boasts genitalia from virtually any mammalian species you can imagine, from a field mouse to a sperm whale. But Siggy knows the museum won’t be complete until he can secure a human specimen. And now in his 70s, he can feel his clock ticking.

Siggy’s search leads us to two candidates.

Pall Arason is an Icelandic explorer, a national celebrity of sorts, and a legendary womanizer who is said to have bedded over 300 women. Putting his penis on a mantle would be the Icelandic equivalent of displaying Hugh Hefner’s manhood.

Arason’s penis would bring the museum the added attraction of his celebrity name, as well as the patriotism of knowing the first human donor was a local. The only problem here is that Arason, at 95 years old, simply refuses to die. Penises are different from ears and noses in that as you get older, they don’t continue to grow. And unfortunately, gravity is not as strong as the aging process.

Such a legend wants to be sure he is well represented in the museum, and there is concern that Arason could back out of his penis donation contract (yes, that’s actually a thing) on account of his ego. Siggy’s other concern is that he subscribes to an old wives’ tale that a penis must be at least 5 inches long for it to be considered of “legal length.” This becomes a growing concern as Arason continues to, um, shrink.

So Siggy must have a backup plan in place, which brings us to a middle-aged American man named Tom Mitchell. The concern with Mitchell is that he is more or less a crazy person. Mitchell is willing to have his penis removed prior to his death to ensure that “Elmo,” as he affectionately calls him, becomes the world’s first major penis celebrity. Mitchell demands creative control over the presentation of his penis, and his elaborate plan involves turning Elmo into a comic book superhero, giving Elmo an American flag tattoo and designing a custom display case.

Like real-life Christopher Guest characters, these three men are a documentarian’s dream. Nothing feels forced and no situation feels contrived for cinematic effect. These guys just take themselves so seriously that all the filmmakers have to do is set up their camera and watch the magic happen.

But as silly as Siggy’s quest may seem and as much as we might laugh at the unintentional deadpan humor of it all, Siggy’s story is also oddly inspiring. Siggy is a humble man who wants to leave his mark on the world, and leave a thriving business for his children to take over upon his retirement. Put in those terms, Siggy is just like any other good family man.

At just over 70 minutes, the film doesn’t overstay its welcome and offers an interesting perspective on the male ego, more than likely shattering the cinematic record for utterances of “penis” and its synonyms in the process.