UTG’s 31 Days Of Halloween: ‘Teeth’

October 7th, 2014

Matthew Leimkuehler

Of all the holidays celebrated worldwide, no single day is more loved by the UTG staff than Halloween. With the arrival of the year’s best month, the time has finally come to begin rolling out a plethora of features and special announcements we have prepared in celebration of our favorite day, including the one you’re about to read.

Now in its third year, 31 Days Of Halloween is a recurring feature that will run throughout the month of October. The hope and goal of this column is to supply every UTG reader with a daily horror (or Halloween-themed) movie recommendation that is guaranteed to amplify your All Hallows’ Eve festivities. We’ll be watching every film the day it’s featured, and we hope you’ll follow along at home.

[Warning: the material within is likely NSFW]

Day 7: Teeth (2007)

If you’re a sexually active heterosexual male, then the late ’00s film Teeth could very well be the scariest film, ever. Imagine finally getting to the promised land — you know what I mean, boys — and having the girl chop your carrot off with her, er, you know. The bottom of your stomach drops out by just watching the sequences of star Jess Weixler devouring man part after man part via her “Vagina Dentata.” She even takes off the hand of the gynecologist when he gets a bit too frisky.

Yes, you read that right. Weixler’s character, Dawn O’Keefe, falls under the impression that she has the curse of “Vagina Dentata,” or a teethed vagina — causing her to…bite…the penis off of any unwanted visitors. And thus Teeth is born. The film circles around the idea that the men who Dawn sleep with put her in uncomfortable situations, causing her to become flustered and bite the men. [Spoiler] At the end of the film, Dawn eventually comes to terms with her second pair of teeth and embraces her newfound freedom and…appetite? Here’s one of her victims:

Yeah, that’s how I felt when actually watching the film. Teeth is positively terrifying for the fact that is creates this aura of sick pleasure in the main character around the one thing all men love most…sex. It takes the idea of sex and turns it into a bloody, demented pile of ripped off man junk. It’s enough to make anyone with a weak enough stomach vomit. The film’s legacy lies in just how unique it is in scaring the shit out of viewers. There’s no monster in the closet, no creep in the cemetery — just one vagina with a huge hunger for taking care of men in the worst way possible.

If anything can be taken away from watching Teeth this holiday season, it’s to always hear the magic word, “yes.” No means no and yes means yes, always. Too stupid to know the difference and it may be the last sexual advance you make in your life. With that being said, go grab this film and cuddle with your loved one — it makes for amazing bonding. But think twice before trying to steal home this holiday, you never know what may be waiting for you behind the plate.