September 29th, 2011 
James Shotwell 
Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.
WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.
“No sleep till brooklyn!”-the boys beastie
People have been complaining that I stopped telling stories and just began ranting. Life isn’t just fat chicks and vomit, guys! But actually most of it is.
Went out for some barely after-noon drinks with some friends in Brooklyn. Planned on getting a beer or two before catching a bus back upstate but you know how it goes. One beer turns into 6 scorpion bowls and shots, etc. I’ve been known across the music industry to be the drunkest guy everywhere, but this day probably elevated me into super stardom. I was Razor Ramon wasted.
I was so drunk I was puking in the bathroom of the tiki bar while my friends girlfriend was helping me out. She definitely got some puke debris on her from the explosive bile i was having and for that I apologize. Imagine you had so much puke in you that every time you yawned or coughed, a little would leak into your mouth. Ok, I feel like you understand where I’m at now.
I leave my wallet on the table while in the bathroom and I come back to a table of black girls and no wallet. Now listen, I’m not racist but these black girls for sure stole my wallet. And were giving me attitude. I was too drunk to care so it looks like I bought them a few rounds of drinks. At this point I had to leave the bar to try to make the bus home.
On the subway, classic Jayce, I began quietly puking in my hands. I hear the girl next to me say “eww I think he’s puking” and get up and go to the other side of the subway. At this point I let it all hang out and very openly vomit all over the subway car. I’m talking like a super soaker with a back pack puking.
Once I get off the subway I realize I don’t have my wallet which contains my bus ticket home. JP and I devise a plan that for some reason involves me acting deaf and mentally retarded and acting offended they even asked for my ticket. While waiting in line a homeless guy offers us mushrooms, and we oblige.
Somehow our plan works and I’m on the bus home covered in vomit. The bus is so hot and smells so bad like lunch mixed with rum and piss. My bad. I ruined everyone’s ride for sure. Once i got to Albany I took off all my clothes and threw them into the street. Instead of going home, I went out to some house parties in my briefs. Not boxer briefs, briefs. I have been almost unconscious for a good 8 hours at this point.
This is the part that I still don’t understand. Not one, but two girls go home with me. The guy at the party with no clothes because he puked on them and threw them in the street. When we got to my house I went upstairs and locked myself in a room alone and never talked to them.
Ok so I didn’t land the three way. I couldn’t handle more than one girl at a time anyways. I don’t have enough penises for that. By the way the mushrooms didn’t work, don’t buy mushrooms from a homeless guy. Is it cool to talk about mushrooms?
Mr. Jayce
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