Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

“Every rose has it’s thorn” -Brett Michaels (no relation to Shawn)

Ever wake up to a text message from a girl that says “yikes”? Depending on how you read it, it’s pretty great.

On my 21st birthday I signed my first record deal and shortly after that I went out west to meet with the label and also see some friends and family. I was quite a bit more open minded at that point with hanging out with girls than I am now. I was “on the rebound” for about a year. I was like the Charles Barkley of relationships. But generally I would fail miserably at picking up girls.

This girl I met once out west. She Facebook messages me because she saw I was out there and wanted to know if I wanted to come hang out about an hour away. I got her to bring a friend out because I had my British friend with me and we were ready to have a good time. Although he was pretty straight edge, he liked to at least watch me party.

We borrow my brother’s car and drive until we get to this apartment which is in a pretty nice downtown area. We walk inside and the girl had a pretty large friend, so I apologized to my British colleague. We quickly all left for the bar.

This girl knew every bartender and was getting us insane amounts of free drinks, which was cool but disturbing at the same time. I couldn’t even tell you how many bars we went to. Around the third bar this girl started making out with me awkwardly but I was so drunk I probably would have made out with Chewbacca. I didn’t really mind though, she was pretty attractive, and attractive girls very rarely talk to me.

We start stumbling back to the apartment and her big boned friend tripped and fell into some bushes on the side of the street. I look around and decide to leave her there. Our group of 3 now heads into the apartment where my face is almost sucked off. My British friend is waiting patiently in the living room while things start getting weird in her bedroom.

I’m so naked. So was she but I honestly was too drunk to pay attention. I bet she was pretty hot. No condoms and no will to do anything, it comes to a point where it is silently decided I will be blown.

I remember the ending. A brief explosion to the face perfectly timed with her passing out asleep. I realize I have left my friend waiting so, naked, I get up walk out and say “we should probably go now”. I walk down the street naked to the car and we drive home.

“Yikes”

Mr. Jayce

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James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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