Under The Gun is continuing our efforts to bring you more original and engaging content with REASONABLE REMAKES. Written by film-nerd Justin Proper, this column aims to highlight Hollywood’s forgotten gems and spark debate.

You see, we’ve grown tired of Hollywood rehashing ideas we’re old enough to remember. Why remake something the majority of the planet still remembers and loves deeply when there are tons of films that deserve a chance to be as great as modern technology and skill can make them? If you agree, this column is for you.

Remember when Freddy vs. Jason  came out and everyone was really excited to see the matchup we’d dreamed about for years? Then the movie came out and…well…actually it was pretty much exactly what everyone expected. It was great for the fans of Freddy and Jason, but not a great horror movie. That didn’t matter though because no one expected Freddy vs. Jason to be the next The Shinning. We just wanted to see two horror icons duke it out on screen. Long before Freddy vs. Jason was another movie that everyone was anticipating. This was the 1940’s and everyone wanted to see Dracula vs. The Wolfman. We’d already gotten The Wolfman Meets Frankenstein and everyone wanted to see the king of the vampires take on the werewolf prince. That’s why this week I’m remaking Dracula Meets The Wolf Man, the film that almost was.

Before you get all nerdy and yell at me because Dracula Meets The Wolf Man wasn’t actually a movie I’ll let you know right now that I don’t care. It almost was. Hell, there’s even a book about how close they came to making it. Not to mention that there’s been plenty of comics and whatnot featuring this matchup. So knock it off, film geeks, I don’t care. This means there’s no plot for me to summarize, and I’m pretty sure you don’t need me to tell you who Dracula and The Wolfman are so I’ll just outline what I think this movie should be. This movie needs to be campy. If it tries to be serious it will fall flat on it’s face. One of my favorite parts of Queen Of The Damned was when the vampires go in to the shop that sells vampire memorabilia and make fun of it all. That’s the mood this movie needs. Let’s put real Dracula and real Wolfman in this world where Twilight  is on top of the world. We need lots of jabs at modern horror without making an all out spoof. These are real monsters that are pissed at what has become of their legacy, and will stop at nothing to prove they aren’t Abercrombie models that sparkle and turn in to giant dogs. There’s still plenty of room for scares in this movie, much like Freddy vs. Jason we’ll get the kills we want to see, but with a comedic edge that can only be brought to the screen by one man…

Sam Raimi. Raimi is the master of modern campy horror. I still watch the Evil Dead series on a regular basis and Drag Me To Hell was pure genius. The man knows how to mix gore, humor, and scary perfectly to get an awesome movie batter, then he cooks up some of the best films I’ve ever seen. Raimi could make a western and it would be gold (The Quick And The Dead). I bet he could even film a steaming pile of shit for an hour and a half and still sell out an opening night (I’m looking at you, Spiderman 3). If anyone can make a great Dracula Meets The Wolfman it’s Raimi.

Picking the actors for the two main roles is kind of tricky. You need actors that can be funny, and still be scary. With this in mind I think that Dracula should be played by Paul Rudd. Rudd is funny, sarcastic, and can be a very effective serious actor when he needs to be (Cider House Rules). I keep seeing Paul Rudd playing Dracula watching a Twilight movie and saying “What the fuck is this shit?” before going out to take another victim. He’s charming enough to be a convincing King Of The Undead and humorous enough to keep the Raimi style campiness. As for for The Wolfman I’m thinking Jon Cryer. This is based entirely on the fact that I truly believe that given the opportunity Cryer could break out from his Alan Harper role and be a good actor in movies. His quips on Two And A Half Men are quick and funny, and I really want to see him get a chance to be someone else for a change.

A Raimi-directed Dracula Meets The Wolf Man would be the perfect movie to put the nail in the coffin on this Vampires vs. Werewolves trend that’s running the show. It would be funny, scathing, with just the right amount of gore and horror. This movie would destroy at the box office and become an instant cult classic. Who knows, with the upcoming Evil Dead remake looming on the horizon it might even have a cameo from Ash Williams. Either way, I’d watch the hell out of this movie. Agree or disagree? Sound off in the comments and let me know. If you like my hilarious opinions you can follow me on twitter and be disappointed @uwebollarama . Next week kicks off my Thanksgiving movie month. Just kidding, the only Turkey Day movie that matters is Planes, Trains, and Automobiles  and that does not need to be remade.

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James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

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