Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

“California girls” -Katy Perry and some pee wee football coach

This last week I’ve been working in LA and I pretty much hate this place. Everyone is trying to be something they are not. Every receptionist, waitress, flight attendant, plumber, electrician, etc will tell you they are an actor or a singer and that is their job. I guess there is nothing here that stops you from claiming your hobby is your job. I compare it to when people take pictures of themselves wearing headphones and the caption says “music is my life.”

I got pretty mad the other night because a dog walker told me she was an actress, but she had never been in anything. Or at least she claimed I would have never seen it. But she was bragging that she was about to be in a music video. I think being in a music video is so humiliating, especially if you are an actress who found it on Craigslist. I don’t even want to be in my own music videos.

Being a music video hoe pays about $50 at most. It’s pretty demeaning too. If you are a hot chick, you have to dance ridiculously, and probably listen to a song you hate on repeat all day. All for a few seconds in a YouTube video. If you are trying to make me think you are cool, don’t even mention a music video in the slightest.

It didn’t help that this girl was a huge bitch. Something about her face just sucked. As she went on about drinking champagne in a limo, in my head I could not stop mocking her. Every once in a while an insult would slip out and be mistaken for sarcasm. I was being so serious though.

When she left the room I asked her friends like “what’s the deal with that girl?” and they tried to explain something to me. Apparently she was really cool and I just had to get to know her. That’s the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard. If she was really cool, wouldn’t she just actually be really cool? And I tried to get to know her, but everything she said was stupid and pissed me off.

So I went on a long rant about how I don’t have time to get to know somebody, they just need to be better at being a person. It got really awkward until JP broke the ice and asked me to perform some of my stand-up comedy. The jokes were pretty much a success. But I could not stop thinking about how bad this girl had pissed me off.

Apparently the next day, the girl didn’t go to the music video shoot. Perhaps I had made her self conscious and re-evaluate her life. I’m going to assume not. I’m just going to assume she called them and said she got another important acting job and couldn’t come. Meanwhile she was just shopping for t-shirts for her dog. No one is ever busy out here. It’s because everyone has fake jobs and someone else is paying for their apartments. I’m glad I’m really doing something with my life and I don’t feel the need to try to talk about it with everyone I meet.

Mr. Jayce

• Author
• Recent Posts

James Shotwell

James Shotwell is the founder of Under The Gun Review. He loves writing about music and movies almost as much as he loves his two fat cats. He's also the co-founder of Antique Records and the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. You should probably follow him on Twitter.

Latest posts by James Shotwell (see all)

• 2015’s Most Underrated Films - December 29, 2015
• Passing The Torch: The End Of An Era For UTG - December 1, 2015
• UTG PREMIERE: Before The Streetlights – “Private Browser” - November 26, 2015