November 16th, 2011 
James Shotwell 
Under The Gun is continuing our efforts to bring you more original and engaging content with REASONABLE REMAKES. Written by film-nerd Justin Proper, this column aims to highlight Hollywood’s forgotten gems and spark debate.
You see, we’ve grown tired of Hollywood rehashing ideas we’re old enough to remember. Why remake something the majority of the planet still remembers and loves deeply when there are tons of films that deserve a chance to be as great as modern technology and skill can make them? If you agree, this column is for you.
Is everyone sick of all the vampire movies yet? Apparently not, according to Hollywood. Between the upcoming Twilight saga conclusion (seriously, two parts?) and the other slew of fang flicks coming out in the next few years you think they’d have exhausted their idea pool. But vampire movies keep coming, and that means vampire remakes are coming too. We already had a remade Fright Night that wasn’t totally awful, but still wasn’t anything to write home about. It made money, so that means you should get ready for a new wave of remakes that take your favorite undead franchises and shits all over the memory of it. Starting with Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
Everyone born before 1993 should be aware of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Maybe not the movie, but at least the Emmy winning TV show that ran for years and had a huge fan base. This show had a cult following the like of which hadn’t been seen since Star Trek. Much like Star Trek, fans have been waiting since the shows cancellation for a glimpse of a movie. Also much like Star Trek I’m guessing that after they see the new movie, they’ll wish they hadn’t gotten their way. So why the prediction of failure? First off, there’s no Joss Whedon involvement. Whedon is the mastermind behind the TV show that was so beloved by it’s fans. Making a Buffy movie without Whedon would be like handing the Batman franchise over to Joel Schumacher. Actually, what would be worse would be giving Buffy to someone that hasn’t ever written a movie before, which is exactly when they did when they announced that Whit Anderson would be writing the script. Don’t worry, I had to look her up too, she has no writing credentials that I could find. On top of that the only person being rumored for the title roll of the film is Heather Morris (The cheerleader from Glee). If that’s not a recipe for disaster, I don’t know what is.
“Ok, smart-ass, what would you do to make this movie?” -Imaginary Hollywood Executive
Well, sir, first can I say how much I love whatever studio you work for? Second, I wouldn’t, I’m in no way qualified as I have not followed Buffy The Vampire Slayer as much as needed to make this movie. But that’s my point. You need to get someone who knows what they’re doing. Obviously Whedon is out of the question, otherwise he should write and direct. I would find a great writer for the screenplay and hand it off to Matthew Vaughn. Vaughn has the action pedigree this film would need (Kick-Ass, X-Men: First Class) and would bring some awesome fight scenes to the table. He’s dealt with superheroes before (Buffy is absolutely a superhero) so we know he’ll handle the characters in a way fitting to their spirit.
With Vaughn at the helm we can open Buffy The Vampire Slayer up for the gritty remake it will have to be. No 80’s teen camp here, we got enough of that the first time around. Let’s set this movie after high school. We don’t even really need all the origin bullshit to slow down the pacing. Start it up on Buffy already being the bad ass vampire slayer we know and love. You know what’s more entertaining than spelling out the whole story? Slowly revealing the origin of a character through exposition and dialogue as the movie progresses. Remember how Blade started? We got a quick scene involving a baby, then BOOM, cut to Blade killing a bunch of vampires at a rave. That sped the whole movie up and gave us more time to enjoy the fights and the battle at hand. We’ve had enough boring origin movies, we don’t need another.
All of this leads to the burning question: Who will play Buffy? You can’t have Sarah Michelle Gellar reprise her role for a remake without it coming off as weird and kind of desperate. I think a great choice would be Kristen Bell. She’s got the right look and is the right age to play a post-high school Buffy. We saw in Heroes that she has the potential to be more than just a ditzy girl. I’d really love to put her in this role and give her a chance to be a sassy heroine for all the kids ruined by using Bella from Twilight as their role model for a girl.
This remake is happening whether you like it or not. It’s probably going to suck, but I wanted to share my vision of what it could be, given the right setup. I’m sure you don’t agree, and I’d love to hear why in the comment section below. Feel free to follow me on Twitter so you can hear tons of inappropriate and tasteless jokes about pop culture @uwebollarama . If you have a suggestion for a film you’d like to see remade make sure you let me know, I love taking reader requests.
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Is this reboot thing really happening to ‘Buffy’? Because, man, the main cast and crew of the TV series, fan legions, EVERYBODY was negative about it. Also because I asked to the so-called writer Whit Anderson on Twitter about news of casting or anything about the “upcoming movie” and she said “unfortunately I have no new information to relay at this time”. Not that I’m praying for it or because I’m a huge fan of the TV show, but I really don’t think we’ll have a ‘Buffy’ reboot under this negative repercussion.