What The Film?! – Alien 2: On Earth

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What The Film?! is a new weekly column exclusive to Under The Gun Review that brings to light the plot holes Hollywood hoped you’d never notice. Written by comedy writer Dane Sager, this column shows no mercy to films that try and pull the proverbial wool over our eyes.

If you know a film with major plot holes that you feel needs to be exposed, tell us! Email utgjames@gmail.com with the subject “What The Film” and we’ll try to get your suggestion featured on the site.

This Week’s Movie: 1980’s ALIEN 2: ON EARTH

How did everyone enjoy 2012’s Prometheus? Ridley Scott’s long awaited prequel to his own 1979’s Alien? Did you love it? You didn’t? Then watch it again because you watched it wrong. Alien is one of the greatest science fiction movies ever made and also one of the greatest horror movies ever made, so it had some huge shoes to fill. While I had some moments that I felt were peculiar (Why was the near centenial Weyland played by 44 year old Guy Pearce? Why did Mohawk become a Zombie? Why do men have nipples?), I left Prometheus feeling it was the third best in the Alien franchise. 

The baby facehugger sequence felt shoehorned in, although adorable.

Alien 2: On Earth is an unofficial sequel to Ridley Scott’s incredible Alien. It’s almost like how Frank Miller’s Dark Knight Returns or how The Sarah Connor Chronicles created an alternate sequel universe to Batman Comics and Terminator (respectively). While I have done What The Film’s on the Alien franchise before (Part 1,  Part 2,  and Part 3), the official sequel to Alien was James Cameron’s 1986’s Aliens, one of the best sequels ever made. Can the unofficial sequel to Alien top that? Of course not, this movie is awful. Consider this What The Film?! The Alien Franchise Part 2.5 of 3.

That's Italian for “Watch Aliens or Prometheus instead”

The movie begins with questionable deficient psychic Thelma Joyce on a television interview. Shortly after the interview, Thelma has a vision about a little girl finding a strange blue egg. She walks towards the pulsating egg in such an unnatural way that the director must have told her to “waddle”. And then her face is ripped of. Normally I’m against starting a sentence with a conjunction, but there’s really no way to emphasize how bad this movie presented this scene other than having “And then her face is ripped off” as its own separate sentence.

There's also a guy who does his best attempt at looking like Orson Welles.

Thelma and her friends decide to go explore a cave, because that is totally a normal thing for people to do on a whim. While at the cave, Thelma tells her boyfriend Roy that something horrible is going to happen in the cave. Roy patronizes her into calming down by making her feel like her worry is stupid, and that she would be stupid for feeling that way (which is the best way to calm someone down (don’t ever take my advice)).

This is seriously the plot description on IMDB.

While exploring the cave, Thelma’s friend Jill discovers the same blue egg that had ripped the little girl’s face off earlier. The egg promptly hatches, attacking Jill’s face. Shortly after, a weird “alien” bursts out of Jill’s face and attacks the closest person, taking his head off. Each kill this “alien” gets, causes it to replicate. It’s hard to describe this alien, because you never really get a good look at it. At the very clearest, it looks like a wet sock puppet.
Once everyone is killed, Thelma decides to leave the caves with her boyfriend, finding the city to be completely empty. They go to a bowling alley for absolutely no reason, where her boyfriend is immediately killed by another “alien”. Thelma sits down in an intersection defeated. The End

“Our friends are all dead! Lets go bowling”

This movie is only an hour long but it is one of the longest movie experiences I’ve ever had. It’s really unusual to see a movie of this “quality” without the silhouettes of wise cracking robots laid over it. While I can describe the plot line of this movie, it’s really hard to convey how actually bad this movie is. There was no connection to Alien aside from “mysterious creature bursts out of people”. The IMDB plot line seems to have lied, because that doesn’t happen in the movie. Why did they find Alien eggs underground in caves? Why do men have nipples? I’ve seen so many awful movies, and yet I keep being surprised almost every week. Upset at how bad “That’s My Boy” was? I don’t care how bad that movie is, the bar can always be lower. There is no “Worst Movie”, because there will always be something worse.

:(

Dane is currently out and about rescuing Dragons, collecting Gems, and Dragon Eggs. You can follow him on Tumblr and Twitter!

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