Sex, Drugs, And Bubble Gum Pop (Week 12)

Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

“21 and invincible” -Andrew McMahon (no relation to Vince)

Are there any girls who aren’t sluts? I mean, some hide it better than others, but I’m pretty sure all girls love a good dickin’. I talked about nudes pretty extensively last week and it got me thinking about math. The square root of all nudes are sluts.

There are many classes of sluts. The main offenders that I am thinking about have very distinct characteristics. Leather jacket, jean shorts with ripped tights underneath, high heels in inconvenient places and only a first name. They have never heard of your band, but somehow they magically ended up at your headlining show. They actually hate all current music, except Tiger’s Jaw. They also know this really cool magic trick. They can change their age depending on what room they are in.

Why does no one want to act their own age? At 16, you are 19. At 23, you are 21. Stop traveling in time! This back to the future shit has caught so many guys up in bad situations. Explain to me how you can meet a girl at the bar drinking a PBR, and 6 months later you are in a courtroom getting sued by some slut’s lawyer father because she was 17? I feel lucky that I generally don’t like most things with boobs so I have never fallen victim to Party McFly or any of her elusive penis traps.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of scumbag guys out there who think they are above the law with ages of consent. And those perverts should rot in prison. But I can’t believe the nerve of girls who lie about their age, sneak into bars and trap dudes into the court of law as a myspace publicity stunt.

Maybe I’m out of line, but I have been witnessing this for years and it’s despicable. Act your own age. Embrace who you are, and stop trying to be someone else. There’s nothing wrong with admitting to going to see a band. And not just because they are your “bros”. Go to see a band because you support music, not just erections. No one will think you are less cool.

Mr. Jayce

James Shotwell
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