Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop (Week 20)

Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.

WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.

“Today was a good day” -Ice Cube (“Are we there yet?” star)

The first time I ever smoked weed was a pretty crazy day. We were playing at a fraternity in Colorado during their biggest party of the year. There were EMTs inside the party just to make sure everyone was fine. This party was legit. Over 2500 beers were consumed.

I can remember sitting in the van in a very classic teenage peer pressure scenario of like “come on, everyone’s doing it man!” and just crumbling. I smoked something medical because that’s what people do in Colorado. I don’t really remember liking it but I did raid the fraternity kitchen. I was eating balls of shredded mozzarella cheese with sprinkles of season salt right into my hand. Like shoving it down my throat like it was a wood chipper. How cute.

College party full of hot chicks and I can’t get one of them to talk to me. So I decide to see what my friends are doing. I see Dave on the dance floor making out with some chick. I can’t stop watching because it’s so weird to see your friends make out with chicks. When I get a good glance, I realize this girl is disgusting and Dave didn’t know, so I kept giving him thumbs up. He went upstairs and got “half a blow job” (I assume the second half) and locked himself in a random bedroom. When he got kicked out, he saw this girl in the light and made the puke motion to me.

I slept alone but woke up feeling better than Dave. Dave hated himself that he refused to leave the van the whole next day. That morning I watched the TM, who is a big strong guy, puke all over the couch. Then he crawled on his hands and knees outside with puke all over his face and joined the wiffle ball game.

See kids, drugs are bad.

Mr. Jayce

James Shotwell
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