January 12th, 2012 
James Shotwell 
Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.
WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.
“Parents just don’t understand”-willow’s dad
Managers in the music industry are very funny. To be a manager, there are absolutely no qualifications needed. I’ve met managers from all different walks of life. Ex-band members, friends, relatives, hot chicks, managers can really be anyone. There are very few great managers out there, and there are a lot of awful ones.
Over my career in the music industry I would say I’ve very rarely had any sort of positive experience with a manager. It is very possible for a label not to sign you strictly because they don’t like your manager. Trust me. I’ve been on the road with bands who bring their parents with them to manage on the road, and to have someone to complain to every time something goes wrong. Other than the guy from Boys Like Girls’ dad, I’ve never met anyone’s parents on the road and thought “oh a family affair, how cool”. Why in the fuck would you want to bring you parents with you on tour? You wanna be wasted and bang chicks in front of your mom? Are you messed up in the brain? How is that not just so embarrassing? Even if you have a “cool dad”, the coolest thing he could be doing on tour is banging chicks, which is insanely creepy.
But for some reason I find some mangers much worse than parents. Parents generally want was is best for their kids. I’m confused as to what some managers really want? They never seem to want their bands to succeed, but they want to personally succeed. But you can’t really have one without the other. So when they do become successful, you always hear stories of money laundering and all kinds of shady things. But compared to how many managers try to do that kind of thing, very few of them succeed beyond a few hundred dollars.
There will always be “managers” that attack up and coming bands and give them strange promises they can never keep, or even try to keep. Their roster will be so huge that they can’t possibly have time for all of the bands, so they really have time for none of them. Then it will be an ongoing argument until the manager disappears from the face of the earth. They will change phone numbers, delete web pages, and pretend they were never manager.
I used to be scared of band’s managers, even lower level ones. They are really good at making themselves seem more important than they are. Like if you don’t do what they ask of you, even if you aren’t managed by them, then you will be in trouble. Then I realized they are pathetic and I started saying insane things to them to see what consequences they would lead to.
A few weeks ago I told some shitty manager to “suck my dick” because it seemed appropriate. He told me I would regret saying that. So far he hasn’t sucked my dick, and I haven’t regretted saying it. I could print pages of insane things I’ve said to shady managers and love life, but I will spare the novel of a read.
If you are in a band, be very skeptical of “managers”. Don’t think they will solve all your problems. Until you reach a certain level of respect, a manager will just create more problems for you. Work hard on your own and the right people will find their way into your life at the right time.
Mr. Jayce
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