February 15th, 2012 
Justin Proper 
Under The Gun is continuing our efforts to bring you more original and engaging content with REASONABLE REMAKES. Written by film-nerd Justin Proper, this column aims to highlight Hollywood’s forgotten gems and spark debate.
You see, we’ve grown tired of Hollywood rehashing ideas we’re old enough to remember. Why remake something the majority of the planet still remembers and loves deeply when there are tons of films that deserve a chance to be as great as modern technology and skill can make them? If you agree, this column is for you.
Vampires have gotten completely out of hand. People have forgotten that they are creatures of the night that murder people and instead regard them as tortured romantic souls that star in teen romance movies. It has gotten so bad that there are groups of kids all over the nation that pretend to be vampires. No longer is it the jocks and the geeks at schools, it has become the jocks and the vampires (ok, there is still geeks). There was a movie that came out in 1989 that explored what would happen if a regular person thought they had become a vampire and I think it is time that movie had a remake. I am talking, of course, about Vampire’s Kiss.
This movie comes complete with a free lesson in the Cage Method of acting
Vampire’s Kiss stars the great Nicolas Cage as Peter Loew, a publishing executive at a big company. Everything seems to be going mediocre at best for Peter. He does alright at his job, he brings ladies home at night, pretty average life. Eventually he brings the wrong girl home (she turns out to be a vampire) and everything goes to hell for Peter pretty fast. After being bitten he starts to loose his mind as the transformation from human to vampire sets in. In the exciting (and hilarious) climax of the movie we finally figure out that Peter was never actually bitten by a vamp, and it has all been in his head. This is one of my favorite roles Mr. Cage has been in, as he portrays crazy person with an expertise unmatched by any actor out there.
This man won an Oscar for best actor.
The original Vampire’s Kiss is a “fantasy comedy horror” which is all good and fine. It is a great movie and a real treat to watch with someone who has never seen it before. The concept of the movie is perfect for a more serious tone, however, and that is why it should be remade. Peter rapes a woman and kills another while in his psychotic state. This is incredibly dark for something labeled “comedy”. If we serious up the tone of the film we have a man who is slowly slipping in to insanity that is going around New York killing people because he thinks he needs to feed. This is perfect for a dramatic thriller. If you take out all the comedy aspects of Vampire’s Kiss you could be on to the next great vampire movie, without it ever actually being about a vampire.
"What do you mean I'm not a vampire?!?"
The first (and most unfortunate) step to making the movie serious is replacing Nicolas “MEGA ACTOR” Cage. I know, I do not want to either, but maybe he can have a cameo in there somewhere. Taking over for Mr. Cage should be Adrian Brody. Brody has a very Cage-esque quality about him, and he is a damn fine actor. Seeing him portray someone slowly, but seriously, slipping in to madness would be quite entertaining. He has the touch that is needed to portray Peter Loew in a serious manner with just enough creepy craziness sprinkled in.
He can already hypnotize women just by looking at them.
The right director for the Vampire’s Kiss remake is also key. You need someone who is good at drama, but would also add a good level of tension and uneasiness. Brad Anderson is the first guy to come to mind. Anderson directed The Machinist and if you have not seen that, go track it down. Go ahead, I will wait.
This is my "waiting for someone" face.
Ok, now that you have seen The Machinist you understand what I mean. That movie was very unsettling and directed quite well. Plus, Anderson has been involved in Fringe and The Wire so he could handle the supernatural and crime aspects of Vampire’s Kiss quite well…er…as well.
There really needs to be a change in this lame vampire trend sweeping our pop culture right now. A good movie about how ridiculous and scary it would be to actually be a vampire is just the thing we need. With the right cast and director a Vampire’s Kiss remake would be perfect for brining vampires back to their murderous and dark glory. Sound off in the comment section below and let me know if you agree, and if you disagree go ahead and tell my why. I like a challenge.
Justin Proper is in the running for the Nobel Awesome Prize. That’s a real thing right? You can follow him on Twitter.
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