5 Movies That Will Ruin Your Valentine’s Day

Today is the one day every year Hallmark and all the other companies profiting off romance pool their resources to drive consumerism in the name of affection. For many of you, this probably means you have plans with that special someone in your life, which may include dinner, dancing, drinks, House Of Cards binging, or perhaps a quiet night away from the world with just the two of you and whatever movies you can find to watch. We’re not exactly experts in the love department, but if you choose that final option we can think of a number of films you will definitely want to avoid if you plan on making Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky” the soundtrack to your evening.

1. Contracted

Horror films have a long history of being a great go-to date idea for guys and gals hoping to have a little fun outside the bedroom on Valentine’s Day. We could suggest a hundred slashers worthy of popcorn and drinks with a special someone, but we must urge you to steer clear of Eric England’s ode to the world of one night stands and bizarre sexually transmitted diseases if you have any desire for physical intimacy this evening. There is nothing sexy about rotting sex organs. Nothing.

2. Teeth

There was a time when films about women who killed men could be considered sexy (Single White Female and Basic Instinct are two examples that leap to mind), but nothing will kill you male companion’s desire for intimacy faster than this tale of Vagina Dentata. It’s cute and fun at first, but as the story plays out you will find yourself battling some serious shrinkage issues.

3. Devil’s Due

[Insert joke about scaring guys off with babies]. Rosemary’s Baby is a classic example of horror you should avoid on this fake holiday, but we have found younger readers tend to overlook classics in lieu of more recent tales of terror. This feature may have debuted in January, but cineplexes across the country are still playing the found footage thriller in regular rotation. We do not deny the fact it’s the finest pierce of genre fare in theaters right now, but talking about the possibility of having a baby one day with your significant other is hard enough without the image of a demon spawn fighting its way out of the womb terrorizing your mind.

4. Sun Don’t Shine

Young love on the run is a very familiar idea in the world of indie film, but things take a grim turn in this feature from Amy Seimetz. The premise of two twenty-somethings on a strange trip through rural Florida may seem like the perfect piece of obscure filmmaking to woo your date, but when the motivations behind the pair’s journey are revealed there may be battle lines drawn in your living room. In fact, by the time the credits role all hope for a trusting relationship may seem lost.

5. Drinking Buddies

Beautiful people, booze, and an even guy/girl ratio in the lead cast, what could possibly go wrong in this story of suds and buds that would spoil a night in? The answer, my friends, is everything. The people at the center of Joe Swanberg’s story want to find happiness in life, but due to a number of personal issues they each struggle with the majority of them spent this mumble core gem longing for something they may never find. There are lies, deception, tested friendships, and a lot of awkward conversations about various types of relationships men and women share. It’s not a guaranteed deal breaker for your romantic occasion, but it definitely will not solidify anyone’s faith in the idea of true love.

Written by: James Shotwell

James Shotwell
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