February 1st, 2012 
Justin Proper 
Under The Gun is continuing our efforts to bring you more original and engaging content with REASONABLE REMAKES. Written by film-nerd Justin Proper, this column aims to highlight Hollywood’s forgotten gems and spark debate.
You see, we’ve grown tired of Hollywood rehashing ideas we’re old enough to remember. Why remake something the majority of the planet still remembers and loves deeply when there are tons of films that deserve a chance to be as great as modern technology and skill can make them? If you agree, this column is for you.
It seems that rebooting classic children’s stories in to dark and gritty tales is all the rage these days. From Alice In Wonderland to Jack And The Beanstalk, if you knew it growing up, there is a good chance it’s getting a new makeover from Hollywood. This fresh and innovative storytelling is the kind of thing that keeps people going to the movies, and is certainly the top form of a remake. It is with this in mind that I set out to re-imagine one of my own favorites from my past: Goldilocks And The Three Bears.
Beastly: Easily fifteen times more entertaining than Beauty And The Beast.
The story of Goldilocks And The Three Bears goes like this: Girl finds house. Girl enters house. Girl eats food in house. Girl falls asleep in house. Owners of house return. Owners of house are bears. Girl wakes up. Girl runs away. Pretty basic, but very well known and very nostalgic. This story teaches the tale of not stealing shit that is not yours because it might belong to some bears.
"Everyone knows bears love porridge." - Some Bear Expert
So what can we do with this beloved children’s bedtime story to make it more 2012? It can start out the same. You have got your pretty blonde girl just wandering through the forest. We need more motivation, more reason to connect with her though. Let’s have her on the run from a man that was keeping her chained up as a sex slave. Now we have got that dirty, grimy, sexy thing going. So she stumbles across this house and decides to stay there for a bit because she has been on the run for a while. She can eat some food and fall asleep like the original. Now the owners come home, but instead of bears they are werewolves. The Twilight demographic is now onboard and ticket sales just skyrocketed. The rest of the movie is a suspenseful battle between the girl and three vicious werewolves. I can’t see any better way to improve on the story we all know and love.
Pictured: The best way to get the 14 year old girl and "totally not pedophiles" middle aged woman demographics in one fell swoop.
I know you are recovering from having your mind exploded by the best idea to ever hit this column, but we still have work to do. Picking a director for this behemoth of awesome is a tough thing to do. The director has to be well versed in the type of action and drama that is needed. They have to have a great vision and have made massively successful films in their past. This all points to one man: Bill Condon. Condon directed the last two movies from the Twilight Saga which we all know started with my favorite movie of the last year. His directing took the series to new heights and I think he could do the same with the Goldilocks remake. Plus, he is already great with werewolves which are a major selling point in the film.
He also directed Candyman 2, which is often regarded as the best in the Candyman series.
With a dynamite director on board we can move on to casting. The first task is picking out Goldilocks. She needs to be a great young actress with plenty of star power to really bring in the crowd. The choice seemed pretty obvious to me: Miley Cyrus. Miley has finally broken free of her Disney choke hold and is doing everything she can to distance herself from the child friendly Hannah Montana. What better way to do that than star in a borderline horror about werewolves? We know she has great acting chops, just check out the trailer for her new movie LOL. Casting the werewolves is a bit easier. They really do not need quite as much screen presence so we should go with great character actors. I think that Daniel Radcliffe, Jennifer Anniston, and Nicolas Cage are the best fits. Radcliffe because I would love to see him try a more sinister role, and I think that people can finally see him as more than just Harry Potter. Anniston because she will be in anything (if you don’t believe me go watch Just Go With It) and she is the right age. Lastly, Cage because he is the greatest character actor of all time and is my favorite actor in all the land.
Plus, he already played a bear once.
Gritty reboots are here to stay so we might as well strap in and go with it. I love them and cannot wait to see what new ones Hollywood delicately puts together in the future. They enhance our memories of the originals, and in no way shit all over our childhoods. With the right elements a Goldilocks And The Three Bears remake would not only be reasonable, but a downright silver-screen gem. Let me know what you think in the comment section below.
Justin Proper has never been sarcastic in his entire life. Not even once. You can follow him on Twitter.
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